Self-consciousness

I wouldn't call it a preoccupation, but I certainly am aware (all the time, maybe to a fault) of even the smallest of my actions. Trying to anticipate reaction or effect. At least I'm open and honest about it. Here it is in front of you in writing. Maybe a bit narcissistic... perhaps... but, awareness (as far as I am concerned) can't be all bad. Consciousness in any form is better than it's alternative. The only time it ever gets in my way is when I want to say "YES" to an opportunity, but that nagging little voice starts up with the "but, what will they think?"... shhhh, little voice! While it would be nice to gently float through, unseen, ineffective, not making any waves... It would feel really good to make just one big, love-filled, tidal wave! Watch out!

another Monday...

it's still happening... though this particular Monday is particularly beautiful out. Hence, today was mostly about getting outside. Chloe and I, after cleaning and getting ready the house and ourselves, got the "bob" (stroller) and went out and about. I decided it was totally reasonable to walk to this park/playground we normally drive to... I know see why we normally drive there. It's definitely doable, but, It's now 4 something, we just got home, completely sweat soaked (me anyway) and we walked Monday away. Could be that the more I do it, the easier it gets (as with most things)... we will see. Heres what keeps me wanting to do these things...

12th night on the 15th night...

(this photo from last years 12th night)

last night was a hearty feast of reds and candlelight and friends. The annual twelfth night ceremonies and choosing of this years royal court. Duke was chosen as our king and Claire as our queen, with Abe as mayor in place of a royal advisor. There were children running and giggling, the old, the new and the unfamiliar friends. No matter where this event happens, each year, as we all gather, dressed in renaissance attire and manner, it feels the same as it always has. I imagine this is the way it felt back then, only without the occasional reminder of the times, in poem or in ringtone. A feast for the eyes, mind and hearty hearts. I love our community.

North west tripping...

Chloe and I got back yesterday afternoon from a most magical trip. My mom and Mike (stepfather technically, but father all the same) picked us up Wednesday morning. We drove up the coast to highway 1. We stopped for lunch at Pea Soup Anderson's and took photos in the wooden cut outs (american family road trip staple). We stopped in Cambria to see sea otters and walk around the stunning shore. That afternoon we checked in to a recently renovated, beautiful, comfortable hotel were we had attaching rooms so that Chloe and I had two queen beds (fittingly) and Mike and mom had two queen beds. Chloe spent the next few hours running all over it... turning on all the lights, figuring out the heater knobs, getting out Gideon bible and the phone book and general curiosity surrounding the toiletries. That evening we found a really great restaurant my folks had eaten at before.. the Brambles. We ended that day with a creme brulee.. perfect, sweet end to a perfectly sweet day. Thursday we woke, dressed and headed to Hearst Castle

This place is enchanted. You can't help, while walking through the rooms and gardens, but dream of vacationing there and dancing with Charlie Chaplin and having tea with Joan Crawford. With two pockets full Cheerios, Chloe was on her best behavior. We lunched at the information plaza and saw the movie in the theatre. Next we headed up the coast for an up close and personal look at the Elephant seals...

These things seem ancient. It is as if you are witnessing something humans really shouldn't get to see... these private moments between the alpha male and his harem. The mamas, each protecting their new, slimy pup. To show Chloe something so natural and primal was amazing. That afternoon we headed back to our cozy room for an afternoon nap and some, much needed, relaxation. That night we dined at the Sea chest restaurant in Cambria. It was all exactly perfect. We ended that night with creme brulee also.

Friday morning we headed back stopping along the way to see more wildlife and having lunch in Solvang.

tea test...

It may be the greyness of the sky or the pile of laundry that is simply refusing to fold itself while I sip my tea... but, today has me feeling just a bit gloomy. Still forever grateful, and gloomy. The things that, just yesterday, seemed like possibilities, today, seem like huge mountains and I don't have my hiking boots on. With a few strange interactions with, seemingly, not so aware others/strangers... and a little too much self awareness... I am feeling, suddenly, like things that come out of my mouth on a regular basis, 90% of the time, are purely anecdotal and inane. I... I... I... should knock that off. In this new year it would be great to strike that particular letter (when used all alone, anyway) completely from my vocabulary. It would be a true test to take the "I" key and hide it away for awhile.. though, it would leave sentences looking (lookng) rather funny/wrong. Hopefully typing, this is just a mood and as Ben explained to Chloe when she was just a few days old... "these moods pass, they just come and go like a breeze". There is "uplifting" tea steeping in my cup... soon to be sipped... and we'll see just how "uplifting" it is.

This year, so far...

Today, the first monday morning of this new, brilliant year, has me out of the mood of reflection I've been in the last week or so and on to looking forward and now. It all seems so fresh and new. So, I guess it could be said that I am a believer in this calendar and it's story, or else just the energy of everyone else getting this new start on a new chapter. I like the idea of it. The one thing I want to start out with and stay with is the gratefulness. Not to take even one second of this year for granted. So, five things I am grateful for this, sweet morning:

1. seven kinds of cheese in the fridge (this is how we rate our success and seven is very well)

2. wide openness... not a whole lot going on means every possibility

3. an upcoming adventure or two looming off in the distance

4. breath

5. lil bro Foto over there...

hello, 2010!

I'm going to lap up every minute of you like a sop dolly. Five things I have been grateful for (so far) in this new, might I add lovely, year...