Debbie B a.k.a. My Mom

So where are we in this project? Chloe made me a mother, Ben made me a wife, and now here we are at this lady... She made me. She gave me blood and oxygen and grew all my parts the way they are and my sister. She brought me and my sister up (by herself I might add) and instilled in us most of our virtues and values. We tested them and her quite a bit and the fact that she is now one of my favorite people to be around shows that we all passed those tests with flying colors. From my earliest memory till about six or so it was just my mom, sister and I. Just the girls, and I remember those days as golden. All giggles and fruity, running naked in sprinklers and arts and crafts. My mom did everything she possibly could to give us the childhood that dreams are made of. Fresh lemonade and homemade costumes. School projects and plays. Then she married Mike, who amazingly and graciously took us all in. He loved my mom, who was hot, so that part was easy, but my sister (8) and me (6 going on 13) is nothing short of saintly... more on this when I get to him. They then proceededd to show us what it looks like to live as a family. To grow up in a home where we ate at a dinner table every night and went on family vacations. My mom went totally out of her way to make every birthday and holiday special. She does this thing where she laughs complete christmas carols. If at any point in a conversation with her you say a line from a song she knows (and she knows every song) she will sing that song and not stop till she's gotten it completely out of her system. She knows and spells all words correctly. I mean ALL words. Try her. She's crafty, intelligent and a nice blend of cynical and silly. She knows most of my buttons and enjoys pushing them and I am grateful for it every time!

Benzo Benzington of Benzingham

As Chloe made me a mother, Ben has made me a wife. In fact, he made me a wife right off. First thing. We skipped the "boyfriend/girlfriend" bit and went straight away to lawfully wedded. Well... it started out not quite so lawfully, but we added that in. For a more detailed tale, read HERE. It is one of my favorite stories and one that I am most proud of. Ben is one of my clearest mirrors. He has taught me that nothing means anything except the meaning which I give it. He's been my personal tutor in my own behavior and human behavior in general. When we met, and married, I didn't yet know of his ART. His amazing, magical art. He quietly creates whimsical worlds worthy of lifetimes of wonder. I had no idea. Though, on our first date, Burningman 2005, we walked out to the temple (by which we would days later marry), sat down, he picked up a stick and drew a picture of me in the dust. It was exactly the me I wished he would see. The me he always sees is that me. At some point on that trip I was trying to explain myself about something or another and he said "I know you" and I believe he did. Instantly. My other half. My captain. My commitment to him is one of my best virtues and my love for him is so pure and abundant we had to create another vessel for it (Chloe). When I met Ben I just wanted to know him, to be close to him in any capacity. I would have settled for neighbor or friend, but to be wife and share this creation of ours, it's dreamy. He's nice to know. If you don't yet know him, I highly suggest you meet.

Chloë Bee

Seems fitting that I start this project with the person closest to me, both in proximity and heart. Mostly because of the fact that she grew inside my body and lived in, on and around me for the last several years. She is made of the love Ben and I had and have for each other. Pure love being. Ben and I, upon finding out she was growing in there, vowed to be her hosts and tour guides of this weird beautiful world. We would show her what we know and all that we've learned while here. What I hadn't fully expected was how much I would learn from her. She is an amazing teacher. She has taught me to slow down, way, way down. She's shown me things, things I've taken for granted all my life, through those brand new brown eyes. I didn't realize how much of her own personality, humor and knowing she would come here with. She was who she is from the first moment those cells divided. I'm sure of it. These past 30 months or so has been a lesson in being. Just being. She seems only concerned with what is. Right now. It's awesome. She has made me a mother, forever. That's as real and solid as it gets as far as I'm concerned. Thank You, sweet girl. P.S. she's a heartstring prodigy, you should hear the way she strums!

Relationshipping and receiving.

There's this idea I've been toying with in my mind for a while. I work on it when I'm quiet. A project to honor everyone in my life. Thinking about this blog and how to share who I am and the only thing I am is my relationships with each person I come across. I feel like it would be a clear description of who I am if I just define all those relationships in black and white. It'll be pretty one sided at first, but maybe I'll get some comments from them and we'll see who I am to them too... Maybe. But the point would be to get it out there. Often we wait until someone is gone to tell who they were to us and what they meant to our lives. This way, anyone in my life can go on there and read and know that to even just one person they were really special and seen and heard. This, beautiful, afternoon I happened upon some friends in a coffee shop and spoke this idea out loud. So now it's got to happen. I said it and the first step in integrity is meaning what I say and saying what I mean. Originally it was to be 365 people, one everyday, but I know that would be too intense to really feel each one and let it ruminate. So, I'll start when I start and not look back and we'll see how many people are in this heart of mine...

long time, no type...

Thirteen days and you might think I'd have some incredible stories to type. Well, let's see what I can recall of this missing week... Benny started his assignment in Tarzana (arting their new Whole Foods) and we were planning on missing him for almost a week, but it just didn't last... we packed up and headed south this weekend. Chloe and I went out to Palmdale to visit grandpa Garry. By an amusing and confusing turn of events, his electricity was out for the whole weekend, so we lit every candle in the place, made an amazing grilled salmon dinner on the barbecue and played Trivial Pursuit by candlelight. It was like the classiest camp out ever. Then, Sunday, we set out to find Benny. We found him smiling (I'm glad to type) because he was, as he quotes, "kicking it's ass". We got a personal, Benniful, tour of the place and the arts and then headed over to his hotel room. We leisurely did laundry and sat with our feet dangling in the pool till it was done. We spent the day touring L.A. like a couple of lost, out-of-towners. Yesterday Chloe and I went down to Long Beach and lunched with Grandma Deb. During this sweet little side trip I took the van in to get three things checked out and at the end they came in and said "Karen?" (this being the girl I bought the van from) and I said "yes?" and they said "it's free of charge" and upon happily sharing this information with Ben, he said "nice job, Karen". I will have to send her a little thank you note for being such a loyal customer. What else? Last week my bosses vacationed and left the office in my care. Yes, mine. I know. It felt really great to know that I am at the point with this now-not-so-new job that they know they can trust me. I had a great work week and with the extra hours, a great work week check to take with me next week on our huge Welcome-baby-Esau adventure. Chloe and I are home now, her napping and me typing (as usual) and all is well in our world. We'll be home for about three more days till we leave on that ten day trip, so if I don't type till then, see you in May!

on point.

Something, I realized, that my job provides, is a feeling of on-pointedness... I can't believe that wasn't underlined in red, but there it is... on-pointedness. When spending days at a desk, keeping everything filed and in order, checking things off lists and calling everyone back, following up and shutting off at the end of the day, I come home feeling really precise. All I's are dotted and T's are crossed. Imagine holding a stack of papers and getting them in order and tapping them on the table so they're all neatly in line and then putting them in a file folder and filing it in proper order. That's what I'm talking about. This is not for everyone, I know. But to give you a glimpse into why this particular lameness attracts me so, when my sister and I were little we used to spend hours at a time playing "office". We would write each other "slips" and "receipts" and memos. We typed some and highlighted a lot. It was very important to us. My sister is now an accounts payable clerk and my mom, grandma and probably countless other ladies in our family also keep books and general administrative things. It's in our blood. Speaking of which: next week is Administrative Professionals Week. We like lilies.

This day, so far...

is mostly about reflection and projection. The right now and here is so still and content that it is easy for the past to catch up and the future to come forward... It all looks well and good. At these times, on these sorts of days, the only thing I can think of... to do better, or more of.... is to focus on being a better friend to my friends and wife to my love and mother to my daughter and daughter to my mother and sister to my sister... and so on and so forth... So, that means to log off and tune in. To those people close to me. I am going to spend some quiet time today thinking about you and my relationship with you and love of it all. More to come...

twos day

zoos day. Today, Chloe, my mom and Mike, Charlie and I went to the zoo. We walked all over that place. Exhibiting mammalian behavior for the spectators. We even ate zoo food. Spent, we left around one and dropped off one by one till all that was left was my mom and I. We each drank a much deserved cold beer and smiled at each other for a moment, till it was off and waking up and picking up all over again. We finished off the fun filled family fest with dinner at the Enterprise Fish place that is one of our new found favorites. Then we walked ourselves all over State street and finally found ourselves somewhere I have been dying to find myself... Anderson's. It's this tiny tea house with fresh creme puffs in the window everyday. We went and sat and deserted ourselves properly. So sweet. Then, on the way to drop them off, we looked for homes for sale along the way and talked and dreamt of them living a block or two away... someday.

springing...

Spring has sprung...

 The Music We Are 

Did you hear that winter’s over? The basil
and the carnations cannot control their

laughter. The nightingale, back from his
wandering, has been made singing master

over the birds. The trees reach out their
congratulations. The soul goes dancing

through the king’s doorway. Anemones blush
because they have seen the rose naked.

Spring, the only fair judge, walks in the
courtroom, and several December thieves steal

away, Last year’s miracles will soon be
forgotten. New creatures whirl in from non-

existence, galaxies scattered around their
feet. Have you met them? Do you hear the

bud of Jesus crooning in the cradle? A single
narcissus flower has been appointed Inspector

of Kingdoms. A feast is set. Listen: the
wind is pouring wine! Love used to hide

inside images: no more! The orchard hangs
out its lanterns. The dead come stumbling by

in shrouds. Nothing can stay bound or be
imprisoned. You say, “End this poem here,

and wait for what’s next.” I will. Poems
are rough notations for the music we are.

-RUMI