well being.

The past few days I have been filled with an overwhelming sense of wellness. Big, deep breaths are coming really easily. No itches, bruises or aches to type of. My little family unit is healthy, well fed and vibrant. Full of love and possibility. All my loved ones around seem good and ducks are in rows. Our pockets are pleasantly padded and cupboards and shelves, stocked. What's next? So, along with this sense of total caught-upedness.... comes, also, a feeling of just being done. Maybe it's just a way of the mind to create a project. It can't just rest assured with nothing to work on. Though, last night, instead of typing out all these feelings, I laid in bed, stared up at the moon and just felt them.

Blustery

That's the best word to describe these past few days. Also, it's just fun to say... Blustery. On these cold, windy mornings the very best thing for us to do is bake something in the oven. So, friends, expect some baked goodness this holiday season. If you are not yet the kind of friend whom I have the address of, send it to me and maybe receive something baked to start our friendship off right.

gratefulese

Today will mostly be about baking a cake for Andy. He doesn't know it's coming and there is no real reason for it, other than he's awesome. Butternut squash cake. Yes. You read it right. If you want a slice later, meet us up the mountain.

Five things that are wonderful

1. YOU.

2. Cold days with Hot ovens

3. Uncle Andy

4. Butternut squash season

5. Doing awesome things for awesome people when you can for no real reason

Dinosaur Jr.

All the alone time on Saturday left me craving some serious family time yesterday, so Ben and I bundled ourselves and tiny dinosaur (seen left) and headed out to a local pumpkin patch. Pumpkin patches are quintessentially fall. It's a concentrated mix of all things autumnal. The only thing missing was the cold. It was summer sun and caused a quick unbundling as soon as we got there. Dinosaur had to shed her bright green skins which, though she was sweating, she did not want to do. We wondered a corn maze, got some amazing kettle corn (which I just polished off), picked two beautiful pumpkins that we will carve as soon as sleepyhead wakes, and fed a goat some straw. All in all, a really great time. We will definitely be back before the pumpkins turn to christmas trees. So, to end family fun day, we went for bike ride in the evening and came home for a papa made supper. Salmon, rice and brussel sprouts! It doesn't look as exciting spelled out as it tasted in our mouths. Which brings us to this lovely Monday... Today met us with a bright shinning sun and bright shinning faces. Chloe and papa took a morning bike ride while I readied myself. Some laundry, car talk, walking and house cleaning and now I am planning to return the amazing dinner favor to my handsome husband. Sunshine squash soup for this sunshiny day.

a day off for mama

This chilly, autumnal morning Benny put Chloe in her new bike seat and headed out for a dewy morning ride. I jacketed her, kissed her sweet cheek, then his and off they rode. Left to my own devices, I did what any free wheeling lady would do... actually, I washed my van. Pretty exciting stuff. Van wash, gas fill, vacuum... the whole nine. I then decided to pick up some clothes from the house that I love, but alas, never wear. How I always end up with such great things I never wear, I may never know. The blessing in this happening is that there is a Buffalo Exchange in Ventura and, as any great clothing girl knows, Buffalo Exchange is nothing less than totally radical. Cool clothes and I headed down to Ojai to pick up sister Brittany and bring her and her cool, not worn, clothes too. We stopped at the Deer Lodge so she could smooch her other and we could fill our bellies with goodness. A delightful Hefeweizen and Buffalo Salad later and we were back on our (Buffalo Day) way. Ventura greeted us with tons and tons of other visitors. We then found out the hoopla was partially caused by an art show at the place we were headed. "Oh great!" I sarcastically thought, but it ended cool, as things generally do. We walked right in and up to the selling counter. I sold enough stuff for just under forty bucks store credit. This helped me to bring home two fall flavored dresses, a pair of shorts and an apron. A smooth, sunny drive home and a sweet greeting from my happy faced loves and now BumBee is sleeping, Papa, bike fixing and fiddling and Mama, blogging and appreciating. I will leave you now with five things that make life happy for me:

1. Clothing exchanges

2. Hefeweizen with lemon wedge

3. Buffalo things (stores and wings)

4. the me I get to be when I get to be just me

5. a day off from your regular day to day to make you realize just how sweet your day to day is.

gratefulist

Upon rereading that last entry, I realized I assumed a couple of things... The photo of journals was from the Tea Fire (almost one year ago) and it's relevance was that losing all those photo albums and journals was the catalyst for the feeling of temporariness and non-attachment. I had not wanted to write much after that. Let alone save anything or hold any material item so close to my heart. I kind of let that go and focused on the real... which is my beautiful, growing baby girl, husband, friends and family. Staying healthy and here in the present became my modus operandi. Gratefulness, my meme. I like it. I want to maintain it and also perfect the balance of letting in some of that material "stuff". Accepting that I am attached to some of these new things is hard. This will be a search for that balance. My little libra should help some...

Gratefulness: (including a few "things")

1. my blog not being irreversibly terminated

2. some things never change

3. the amber necklace and cubic zirconium ring that I, miraculously, had on that fateful night and am able to still stare at and love (photo above shows both)

4. some things always change

5. being able to see "the big picture" and know what really matters

technical disturbance

Last night, after a beautiful party full of beautiful friends, I got on this machine and typed some words of said beauty. After a long, heart felt post, complete with photos and a link to a friends non-profit organization, an error message appeared. Suddenly, the blog was no more. I tried a dozen times to log in to this site and the same error message popped up. I like to try, in life, to keep an upbeat, if not totally cheerful attitude. Where things are temporary and I am unattached. It turns out, however, that I am a little attached to some things. To our left, there, you'll see the bookshelf that held all my old journals. and underneath... my only sunshine! She makes me happy, when skies are grey...

What happened to Wednesday?

So, it's all-of-a-sudden Thursday. How did that happen? I mean, I vaguely remember a wednesday in there... yes, the farm, it's all coming back to me. Oh! So, Tuesday, after I last typed and the day went pretty blah blah... Chloe decided to go to sleep around 5 in the evening. I found out Where the Wild Things Are was playing at 7, so Benny got home and I tagged him in and left around 6ish. My first time to the Arlington Theatre. It is incredible. Perfect situation too. I got there early and was the first one there. The staff were giving me head nods like I was in the club... still not totally sure what that was about, but it might have been a sort of "you're going to be the first one, the only one in there right now and will get to see the magic all by yourself"...maybe. It's as if you are in the plaza of an old colonial era spanish town. Mission Revival style. Similar to the pirates of the Caribbean ride without the water, there are staircases and balconies actually built up on both sides. Windows that open and lampshades that light the walls. The ceiling is painted blue with stars. I just sat and stared all around me as if I really were visiting from a far away place. The first couple to come in after me reminded me I was at a theatre to see a film, or I might have actually tried to send a postcard home. Once the lights turned low and the crowd hushed a bit I got out the tiny mason jar of champagne left over from the night before that I snuck in my purse. Popcorn, champagne, and a good film. Thanks again universe! Wednesday was a farm day. It had been a while, with the rain last week and Chloe not coming with me the week before, that we had been there together and I broke the news that it will probably be our last for a while... It seemed like a good time for a change. It feels a bit like being out to sea and leaving shore and not seeing exactly where it is your going, but trusting that something good is out there.

gratefuling...

O.k. this is another photo from sunday, but it's only because there was way to much sweet, cuteness that day for one day... also, due to the fact that I have a huge stye in my right eye and Chloe and I got flu shots yesterday and are a bit yucky feeling... Needless to say, there haven't been a lot of Kodak moments. We did have some dear friends come by last night to drop of a napkin of ours and stayed for an impromptu dinner party complete with a bottle of champagne, which may have contributed to the yucky feeling in my brain this morning, but felt so great last night. So, only two run-on sentences into the post and I out myself to the bit of hangover. Anyway, this post is about gratefulness... I am determined... So, without further ado...

1. all the times in my life that I don't have a stye in my eye, every stye-free blink I've ever blinked

2. being able to go up and visit the place where our little home stood so sweet

3. new friends

4. old friends

5. pumpkin spiced anything

just another manic monday...

well, just the morning part so far... It's monday the 19th of October and this month is running away so fast! Last time I typed here it was Thursday, Clovers birthday.
That night we had a little party at our place. We tried to keep it small, our house being a shoebox, just calling a few friends turned into a big ol' birthday bash. We all had a good time and it only took Ben and I about an hour to get our house back to normal after...

Next came Friday, we started it off with Chloe and I going to breakfast with the ladies, now that she's a full grown two year old lady. Around noon we packed up stuff and Papa and headed down to Long Beach. We didn't get to grandmas till about five, so basically it was over four hours of traffic and some cursing. We got to the party just in time though to greet all the grandparents and friends. It was a night of twos, mom made twice baked potatoes and little mini burgers. Two thanks to everyone for making Chloes birthday so special.

Saturday sent papa home on the train and us to Pretend City (click the link to check it out),

which was so fun. Chloe had such a good time there she played, created and imagined till she almost fell asleep in her chair. That night, after much napping, we went to my best friend from high schools 30th birthday party. Nicols shake down party! It was a funky reggae blast. Best fried plantains outside of Jamaica. We left around 9, which felt like 1am... in the fog. Sunday was a slow morning and brunch with grandma, great grandma, auntie Charlie and auntie Sarah, Marty and baby in the belly. Chloe, screaming for boobie as loud as possible, ended that brunch quick and we drove home to make it to the annual Wine Stomp on Mountain Drive. They had already chosen a queen, Coral, when we arrived, but were in time for the pumpkin and pie contests. Prizes were awarded, wine drank, pie eaten, life loved. We spent some time at the leveled dirt clearing that was our home. It was a sad scene at first, then kind of sentimental and sweet, then, much to our surprise, Chloe and Owen shared their first baby kiss and sweetened up the whole scene. Then home to sleep in our cozy home of the present. Chloe and I woke early and went to see Dr. Roseman... which sounded fun to Chloe in theory, but changed quickly upon the Doctors arrival. She knew what we were up to. She had been here before. After a few quick pricks and cries, lollies all around and we were out of there. Mommy got a flu shot in her arm too... see "not so bad"... Orange lollie for Chloe, Red lollie for mommy and now we're home, safe, sound. Chloe napping early. Mom also recovering.

Chloë Bee Day!

Happy Chloë Bee day "everybuddy" (that's Chloëish for everybody)... it makes sense because everyone IS her buddy. That was shown to us in many ways today, but mostly by our die-hard frisbee throwing friends taking a night off, a frisbee night off, and coming to a dinner party on a Thursday night. A bunch of all-stars! Chloë has amazing friends and I am honored to be amongst them. Her and I started the day off super slow and happy. I made sure that everything was sweet today and we managed to have no crying or emotional meltdowns all day, which is remarkable for a two year old. It reminds me to be so thankful that this stage passes. Can you imagine if we all had several total meltdowns everyday? What the world would look like. I caught a glimpse of that world around eight o'clock this evening when, roughly, ten children were jumping on our bed. Back to the sweetness though, Chloë and I made some carrot cake and papa made leek and potato soup. Benny gave her some little toys wrapped whimsically and I gave her, you know, like, life and blood and a heart and all that, so, I think we're good. There was goodness all around. We met a group over at the roses and then brought them back for cake and singing and such. Now the house is quiet and clean and these two are sleeping and mama is back at the keyboard, reminiscing. My little baby is now this long lady. So far, so good.

this day, two fantastic years ago...

This day, two years ago, was a Sunday. That Saturday we had gone down to Huntington Beach for a dear friends fathers memorial service. Ben and me and my huge, barrel of a belly... Whilst there, in the bathroom of the service, mid-service, I found my long awaited, much anticipated, mucous plug. This was the first sign of the events to follow. We called all the proper people and held off on getting too excited because she wasn't due till halloween. Yes, halloween was her auspicious due date. Auspicious because of the holiday, but also because it is the day Ben and I first met. Still being two weeks to halloween, we decided to head back home, but not get too anxious. We slept easy that night and woke up slow (the last time either of these things has happened since)... That Sunday morning Ben went to play frisbee and I went on a cleaning spree. The legendary "nesting" cleaning that ladies and other mothering mammal do when they are about to spawn. The house was ready. I was ready. Around 8 pm we went down to the art studio to watch the Simpsons. At the end of the episode I was standing, swiveling my hips with my hands against Ben's art desk when... rumble... pop... splash, my water broke! We went up the hill and made the same set of phone calls with the new news. Alice, our beloved midwife said to eat something and try to relax. The eating part was easy, the relaxing, however... not so much. About 10 pm the contractions started. Pretty quickly they were regularly distanced apart and coming strong. I was back and forth to the bathroom and laying on the bed. The coyotes and winds were howling through the canyon. Ben, being awesome as usual, went in to get a space heater to warm what was about to be the birthing room when, pop... splash... the houses water broke! A pipe connecting the water heater broke and emptied the contents of a 20 gallon water heater all over our entire tiny cottage. At about 11, or so, Laurel (our beautiful friend and other midwife) came, took one look around, and said "you're coming to my house"... the car ride is blurry... contractions every few minutes. We got there near midnight. Remy, their dog, greeted us at the door with his head against my leg as if to say "how are you?"... I was checked (effaced, but not at all dilated) and in the tub, which Glenn (our beautiful friends beautiful husband) had just cleaned in preparation (THANK YOU). One hour in the tub and I was complete. Zero to Ten in one hour! Next it was out of the tub and into their room, some changes of positions, an amazing crowning session, and pop... Chloë Bee Ciccati born 2:55 AM 10/15/07. The greatest accomplishment of my life bequeathed the greatest love of my life. Chloë, it has been so nice to meet you!

gratefulist

1. Rain

2. Rain

3. Rain

4. Butternut Squash Season

5. The cozy little hive I share with these two...

finally cold enough to read...

Santa Barbaras rose gardens yell to us to come and play every sunny day. We get out there fast and run around quick, never sitting to read a book (unless it's a short Dr. Seuss one again and again and again). Today the weather changed in a way that says "sit, read a long book with a cup of hot beverage". . . I love when the weather tells me this. It will also allow for quite a bit of blogging in the next few months. Hopefully yours is allowing you to snuggle up for a few good reads. I will leave you today with five amazing things to be glad about:

1. the weather outside being frightful

2. the fire inside being delightful

3. no place to go

4. not finishing those lyrics

5. the Wild Things -Dave Eggers

Two stories of love...

two notes I forgot to add to that last post: One, on Wednesday, out at the farm, Jeff and Zyrka (the newly wedded couple) came out to talk produce with Tom, as they were walking in they walked along the grass out near the goats and passed an older couple walking out. This older couple looked to be in their late seventies (or so), grey haired and tender. For a small moment I stood and watched as this old couple, closer to the end of their days here, slowly walked out and this new, vibrant couple, all fresh and glowing, walked in. There was such sweetness to both, so intrenched in their togetherness they didn't even see the other pair. Both couples holding hands and interested in what the partner had to say. The moment they passed each other I snapped a photo in my mind and will recall it any time I think of marriage. Second, last night, Nona (a dear hearted friend) and I stood near the dance floor (sleeping baby on my front). We watched as couples danced a couples dance to Al Green... it struck us how beautifully coupled this group in front of us was. It began with Glenn and Laurel, both so complete in themselves and then together...POW... just dynamic. Then we noticed, next to them, Matt and Aly and how strong each is independent of the other, but together just amazing. Then Andrew and Gabriella. Then the newly weds. In every instance one had found such a perfect match in the other. We decided it was like looking over a box of the worlds finest chocolates, so damn sweet!

autumnal

This foggy, cuddly morning has been ideal for reflection. We woke up slow, me first (slipping out of bed and tiptoeing around) followed by a bed headed Benny and, finally, a crumpled faced Chloe... She sits straight up and says "good morning" before she's even awake. I can't help but scoop her up. A mad, undies-clad dash out to get the N.Y.Times and back in before anyones the wiser... except for me, cause now I've got my crossword to puzzle me. Foamed up the latte and sat on the couch. Staring into one of the most fragrant and fall festive flower arrangements sent me into memories of the beautiful day

before... A flurry of frantic getting ready, then a long drive and short walk into a rustic, scenic mission (complete with stables with horses and sheep, wells, adobe...) then another small flurry of readying, then a shhhh... our glowing bride friend slowly stepping toward her future.. a few sweetly said words (at one point I couldn't hear her, but the look on his face said every word so sincerely), some poems and song and they were joined forever. Music and clapping commenced. The drive back with talk of said sweetness. A little more readying and we found ourselves back in formation in another amazingly decorated place for champagne and a toast. A well thought, brotherly toast. Tacos and merriment. Bocce Dance floor fun! We danced until what we thought was midnight, but happily, surprisingly turned out to be around 10ish... this gave us some cuddle time at home to thank each other for our union. Part of a strong, healthy marriage is being surrounded and supported by other strong, healthy marriages. That's the pain you feel when you find out a couple you love so much together doesn't love being together so much... It's a broken spoke in your marriages wheel. To the new couple, we are strong and happy for you, wishing you the same for us.

Isn't it good? Norwegian would!

This morning, my man Barack was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. He is only the third sitting president to receive this honor. They said they picked him because he changed the global climate and gave us hope for peace in the future. So, the moon thing went off without a hitch, only there were no clear images for observers on Earth. NASA representatives said that "work needs to be done on the images to make them easier to see"... i bet. Sounds shady, but it is the dark side of the moon, so it is quite shady. So, I'm going to take the bad news of the moon thing and the great news of the honoring of Obama internationally and call it even for now... and go back to what I do best, which is being thankful and grateful. I'll end the note with five great things that make me smile everyday:

1. la lune

2. Obama as president

3. balance

4. hope for peace in the future...

5. Janine's latte... I'm off to get one, almond... mmm....

(*found the photo on the internet, not mine...)

a brief (fictional) conversation:

Government: So, let's see... there are millions of people starving (including children) all over the world (including here in the U.S.), millions of homeless, disabled, illiterate, needy... also, we have major problems with our infrastructure in most of the older cities that need financing, what else?

NASA: um, could we get a chunk of money?

Government: How much is a chunk?

NASA: oh, I don't know, like... say $79 MILLION

Government: What do you want to do with it?

NASA: we were thinking of crashing a 2 ton kinetic bomb into the harvest moon

Government: sounds totally reasonable.

silly, silly humankinds!

What are we collectively thinking? Apparently, you don't have to be a "rocket scientist" to see that our moon is important. In fact, you have to not be a rocket scientist. So, yesterday was another farm day. The difference though was that this farm day Chloe got to be with her amazing papa and I went alone. This gave them time to love each other up and me time to stand quiet, alone. Peace prevailed. There is a calmness and stillness there that I rarely feel elsewhere. Once again, went home with cash in the back pocket and a box of the freshest fruits and vegetables in my arms. After, we had Jasper (my farmer superior) over for dinner of said fruits and vegetables. For some reason I feel the term "veggie" just doesn't do them justice. Today was Benny's early morning delivery day. He's awesome. He comes home for lunch as Chloe and I are waking up around 8 or 9 am... half his work day done already... HeMan! We are cleaning the house and giggling, mostly the later. Tonight we are going to go out to the rose garden and stare up at our beautiful moon and tell her we're sorry for our stupid older brothers and their aggressiveness.

so good, until...

I woke up this morning feeling so peaceful and happy. Appreciative and appreciated. Benny showed his appreciation for the month of single mothering.... I won't say exactly how much he showed, but will type forever, forever, forever. forever, forever. It's code. When we were married we painted eachothers bodies. I painted an infinity sign on his chest. Apparently it's still there. Chloe and I were in the midst of a sweet, calm morning complete with coffee and these strawberry muffins I made up last night. Then, all of a sudden, I read, from a friends posting, that NASA plans to bomb the moon of Friday. This Friday. Our moon. You know, the only one we have. The one that controls the tides of our oceans and bodies. Our cycles. The one we stare at in our night sky and dream and wonder. BOMBING it. NASA. Look into it.

Today is monday.

We actually woke up and got going pretty early. A friend needed us to come over at 8 am, so we got going around 7! That's early for us, but we slept early last night and got up easily. Got some bagels and coffee on the way and were there on time. I got our laundry done there, fair trade. Now, we're back at home, Chloe's sleeping and I got to get a little mid-day-blog on before she wakes and we play the day away some more... Benny's got another late night I think, so I'll probably be back at the typing later.

(*she was probably about 9 months old in this photo, at home on Mountain Drive, it's been doctored a bit, so funny)

grateFULLness...

1. electricity and it's availability to us

2. fairy friends

3. Bocce Balls

4. cups of coffee

5. the fiftieth post, for some reason feels like something significant.

(*this photo is from when Chloe was just a bocce ball in my belly)

Let's see... where were we?

It was Thursday that I last blogged. Oh, the things we've seen since then. Friday was full of kid things. Chloe came to breakfast, followed by a visit with Lucia for a few hours of giggling and such. Then finally, miraculously, we got a quiet dinner at home with all three of our family members. Our whole unit. Sitting, eating, talking to each other. That ended a pretty sweet day with a really sweet night. Cuddling ensued. I'll leave the rest up to you. Saturday we awoke with a charge. Yesterday had an energy all it's own, the likes I have not seen since last BocceDay. Yes, Bocce Day! Chloe and I met my parents in Carpinteria at the annual Avocado Festival;) around 9 something am... upon getting sufficient avocadoing we headed to Ojai, or rather lake Casitas for their annual Big Chili Cookoff. Canon, our fun loving brother, was representing the Deer Lodge with an exceptional chili of his own cooking. He also built the booth (incredible, photos to follow) and ran the thing solo. Even if by some mistake they accidentally give the grand prize to some other chili cooker, we know, in our hearts, it's Canons victory. So, after some chili and chatter we drove back to Carpinteria, had dinner together, said goodbye to my folks and got back home to Benny. Around 8 pm his dad (grandpa Gary) arrived with his lady friends and we all caravanned to Oakleigh for their (our) annual Bocce Ball Tournament. Lot's of annual things this day. Oakleigh is the home of some of our most amazing friends and family and, some would argue, the heart of our community. Just the sight of it's whimsical, colorful yard is enough fuel for weeks of inspiration. It's dreamy, surreal party atmosphere, along with the light of the moon and conversation over laughter set to music... it's just like walking through a fairytale... Our friends being the fairies. I couldn't stop smiling. Jess and Abe came, in golden sashes, to defend their title. I'll post the outcome as soon as it outcomes. So, we got home really late and slept pretty late. Woke up to a brown out... even stranger than a black out... and now the electricity is back on and with the help of a cup of coffee, mine too is back on and we're ready to do today.

the grateful bit.

Five f'ing amazing things:

1. Coffee drinks.

2. fresh strawberries (specifically T. Shepherds) remind me of God in everything (specifically fresh strawberries

3. free will

4. evolution. Knowing that Chloe is the next step and the anticipation of her passing me up

5. I have all the fingers required to type this.

tiny blocks...

just start typing. To get past these little blocks. Past this creeping feeling of narcissism. What will people think? How will this get viewed or interpreted? That's not the point. Ever since loosing everything (including every journal written since kidhood), everything has seemed so, incredibly tangible and transient. The overwhelming temporariness of things has settled in me not wanting to create things that can burn. There, I typed it. Now that it's out and I can read it and analyze it, I see, clearly that it's pretty much pish posh. So, this started as a way to get me to just write. Just start typing again. Also, I love the idea of a journal or diary that I just leave out in the open for anyone to stumble upon and read and comment. It's a way of making my heart and mind accessible, not just to the one's I love that know it is, but to "strangers" (if there really is such a thing)... just the friends we haven't met yet. The gratefullness bit is cool too, just for reminding me, even on the blahest of days, how extraordinary it is to be here, now.