adorable the explorable...

Lately my girl and I have been exploring... new parts of our neighborhood (well, new to us), new tastes and sounds and, maybe most fascinating, new parts of us, our relationships. Chloe and I are usually hanging out like homegirls. She is truly my best friend. I gave birth to my favorite friend. Ben and I too, we're doing the dance. Definitely in an upswing... we are supporting without thwarting. Having fun is a top priority. It's nice to remember (and be reminded) that we don't have it all figured out. Wouldn't it be boring if we did? This is the good work. Learning to be with each other while remaining so in ourselves. Remembering that Chloe is her own, individual too and not getting in her way too much while keeping her safe. Teaching things, but always open to learning her way too. She definitely came here with things to show me. I'm watching, sweetheart!

Where was I...

oh yeah... so, it was September... and since then... my girl turned 3, I got super comfortable riding with her on my bike (game changer), Halloween... what else... well, anyhow, this night finds me mostly just GRATEFUL (as per usual). Yesterday was the second year anniversary of the Tea Fire and we called an impromptu get together at our place, so impromptu (in fact) that hardly anyone showed, which made it super intimate and cozy. With all our sweet friends sitting around a fire in the yard, I snuck in to do the dishes and as I scrubbed each one I gave thanks. So grateful to have this fork to wash and the soap and the sink. Last night I got to sleep in a bed, our bed, and Chloe in hers. My family has a home right now, an amazingly sweet (and getting sweeter by the day) home. Our things are here, we have things. We are healthy and fed and have sweet friends in our yard... My heart is full to bursting! Fire and I have a better relationship this year. I respect it. It warms me. I tend it, it cooks my food. We have an understanding. For that I am eternally grateful.

Abundance.

Life feels so good and full right now. Love, beauty, joy, seasonal fruits, genuine friendship, helping, healing, singing, learning, giving, receiving, art, pure truth and magic... what else is there? Want some?

where did August go?

I was busy living the real life and couldn't capture any of it here. Which is great, I suppose. Also mixed with a little bit of not wanting to admit things going on in my heart and mind. I want to be honest. As honest and real as possible... on here and everywhere. So, I signed THIS pledge. and promise YOU that I will always type honestly and give credits where credits is due. Also, with a "New Nows Resolution"... I will type more often. To let an entire month go by unexpressed is just a bit unacceptable. Especially the month where Burningman and, thus, my 5 year anniversary went by... all beautifully and romantic like. Because it will take a while to type and I don't have that while right now, I will leave you with a teaser clue as to what it was all about... the Heat of Passion. 

Love.

just sweet, pure love... all day. Thought's of gentle, careful, kindness. Hearts handeled with kid gloves.

stuff and things...

Hello out there. It's me. The textual me. The representation of that Michelle lady in cyberspace. In this box on this screen where I can take all these words I have learned to think with over all these years and scramble them up and put them in funny combinations that maybe, perhaps, just might strike a familiar chord in you... light up some long forgotten journal entry in your heart. Hello. Thanks for reading, which allows me access to your insides. You should know that I love you. I will not judge or misconstrue... only love you and share. Let's play "add things to each other's worlds" (it's fun)... It goes like this: first, you think of someone, anyone, or pick a stranger, then you think of a cool way to touch their life in a beautiful, special, different sort of way (that's the tricky part), then you do it and keep it to yourself. I'll start... there. I loved you with all of my heart. Now, it's your turn.

something...

just a note (yes, at about one in the morning) to tell you where I'm at. My head is a swirly whirl of kind, caring gentleness and a little dust. Ghosts of christmass past dancing with the girl who's always in there. Everywhere. Lot's of Bonnie 'Prince' Billy in there these days... and nights. Right now, in fact, on in the background..."may it always be" Don't know if it's his crackly words that resonate so much as the longing in his voice. Tonight I'll fall asleep with love and profound peace in my heart. That much I know. Wishing you the same...

In my life...

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more 


-John Lennon

Free to change... and grateful!

So, as you can see by the date of that last post, this project has been just a bit of a roadblock. I love, love, love the relationships of this life of mine, and while I do feel that describing them, these people, is really what my heart is about, it isn't making me type. I need to type. The type that needs to type. So, without further ado... WoooHOOO... I'm typing, and it feels so good. I am grateful for brainstorms and ideas that hit so hard you have to get up out of bed at night to write them down before they leave you. Muses that are so seductive you are helpless against their song. Also, though, I am grateful that you can just stop when it isn't working anymore, do something different with equal fervor. I am officially in love with this life. A huge part of it, for me, is about making lists of everyone I care about, even lists of everyone I've ever known (have you ever tried to do this?), and thinking of all of them often and deeply. And while I'll still, once in a while, dedicate a day, a page, a post, to one or some of them, I will also, sometimes, to save my soul, just type.

My sister, Sarah

I was lucky enough to be born with a built-in best friend. Sarah is eighteen months and eighteen days older than me and has inspired me from birth. She made me want to get up and walk and talk and do all the things that she did when we were young. All the way up until about when we went to different schools (around 4th grade for me and junior high for her) I followed her around and was constantly referred to as "Sarahs little sister" (one of the greatest nicknames to be bestowed). Then we went in different directions and it wasn't until about 1995 that I moved over to her high school and was once again "Sarahs little sister" (and loved it). We were best friends again. We went to parties and shows together all the time and I will always remember that year as being one of the best in my life. She was the most amazing, beautiful set of contradictions... Punk rock head cheerleader who saw live bands and got straight A's. She went on to college and we both started our relationship roller coaster years. Though we are on different tracks, she still amazes me often. We have both, since, married and had a baby each. Having always being the one to look after all the littler kids, she is an excellent mother... She kind of always has been, though her baby boy is only three weeks old today. She is magical, whimsical, and loving. She writes the best letters a girl could hope to receive and she does it often and for no reason other than to show you she's thinking of you. She is a gift.

Esau Gibson Martinez

Esau was born May 4th, 2010 at 11:32 pm... weighing 8 pounds, 9.9 ounces. Big, healthy and amazing. My sister Sarah labored for almost two days. My mom, Chloe and I had plane tickets to go see her wednesday the fifth, but when we got the text on Monday that her water broke and she had been admitted, we hopped on the first plane out of Long Beach and got there to the hospital around 8pm that very night. She labored throughout the night and all the next day. We kept hope and kept seeing little signs he was getting closer... finally around 11pm Tuesday they said they were taking her in for a c-section. We waited with baited breath. Eventually, around 12:15 cinco de mayo Marty (his papa, her husband, my brother in law) came out and told us they were both being transported to another hospital and that we should go and get some sleep... The next morning we went to Oakland hospital where baby Esau was now in the NICU and my beautiful sister was in a recovery room. There had been swelling in Esaus head and brain and due to a cord crimp he had gone several minutes without oxygen. We hoped for the best and feared the worst. He stayed on a cooling table for three days to reduce swelling. He had been having little seizures ever since his dramatic entry to Earth. Sarah was amazing us by walking and talking and joking just hours after what the doctors called the most difficult c-section they had ever done. Finally, Sunday, mothers day May 9th... they began warming him. Monday they got him back to normal body temperature and gave him an MRI. They found 100% normal brain!!! Not a bit of damage of any kind. All the well wishes and prayers are working. Monday May 10th Sarah and Marty got to hold their big baby boy. They sat with him and stared at him the way mammals do when they are astounded that this miracle came from them. Tuesday, yesterday, we had to leave. My mom, Chloe and I gave kisses and cheers and said our tearful goodbyes leaving Sarah, Marty and baby Esau to their new life together. Esau is still in Neonatal Intensive Care. They are trying to figure out the seizures, but after this rough start he will more than likely be totally perfect and fine. Sarah got to change his diaper yesterday after we left and reminded all of us that it's the little things that matter most. Esau is now a week and a day old and so so loved.

Debbie B a.k.a. My Mom

So where are we in this project? Chloe made me a mother, Ben made me a wife, and now here we are at this lady... She made me. She gave me blood and oxygen and grew all my parts the way they are and my sister. She brought me and my sister up (by herself I might add) and instilled in us most of our virtues and values. We tested them and her quite a bit and the fact that she is now one of my favorite people to be around shows that we all passed those tests with flying colors. From my earliest memory till about six or so it was just my mom, sister and I. Just the girls, and I remember those days as golden. All giggles and fruity, running naked in sprinklers and arts and crafts. My mom did everything she possibly could to give us the childhood that dreams are made of. Fresh lemonade and homemade costumes. School projects and plays. Then she married Mike, who amazingly and graciously took us all in. He loved my mom, who was hot, so that part was easy, but my sister (8) and me (6 going on 13) is nothing short of saintly... more on this when I get to him. They then proceededd to show us what it looks like to live as a family. To grow up in a home where we ate at a dinner table every night and went on family vacations. My mom went totally out of her way to make every birthday and holiday special. She does this thing where she laughs complete christmas carols. If at any point in a conversation with her you say a line from a song she knows (and she knows every song) she will sing that song and not stop till she's gotten it completely out of her system. She knows and spells all words correctly. I mean ALL words. Try her. She's crafty, intelligent and a nice blend of cynical and silly. She knows most of my buttons and enjoys pushing them and I am grateful for it every time!

Benzo Benzington of Benzingham

As Chloe made me a mother, Ben has made me a wife. In fact, he made me a wife right off. First thing. We skipped the "boyfriend/girlfriend" bit and went straight away to lawfully wedded. Well... it started out not quite so lawfully, but we added that in. For a more detailed tale, read HERE. It is one of my favorite stories and one that I am most proud of. Ben is one of my clearest mirrors. He has taught me that nothing means anything except the meaning which I give it. He's been my personal tutor in my own behavior and human behavior in general. When we met, and married, I didn't yet know of his ART. His amazing, magical art. He quietly creates whimsical worlds worthy of lifetimes of wonder. I had no idea. Though, on our first date, Burningman 2005, we walked out to the temple (by which we would days later marry), sat down, he picked up a stick and drew a picture of me in the dust. It was exactly the me I wished he would see. The me he always sees is that me. At some point on that trip I was trying to explain myself about something or another and he said "I know you" and I believe he did. Instantly. My other half. My captain. My commitment to him is one of my best virtues and my love for him is so pure and abundant we had to create another vessel for it (Chloe). When I met Ben I just wanted to know him, to be close to him in any capacity. I would have settled for neighbor or friend, but to be wife and share this creation of ours, it's dreamy. He's nice to know. If you don't yet know him, I highly suggest you meet.

Chloë Bee

Seems fitting that I start this project with the person closest to me, both in proximity and heart. Mostly because of the fact that she grew inside my body and lived in, on and around me for the last several years. She is made of the love Ben and I had and have for each other. Pure love being. Ben and I, upon finding out she was growing in there, vowed to be her hosts and tour guides of this weird beautiful world. We would show her what we know and all that we've learned while here. What I hadn't fully expected was how much I would learn from her. She is an amazing teacher. She has taught me to slow down, way, way down. She's shown me things, things I've taken for granted all my life, through those brand new brown eyes. I didn't realize how much of her own personality, humor and knowing she would come here with. She was who she is from the first moment those cells divided. I'm sure of it. These past 30 months or so has been a lesson in being. Just being. She seems only concerned with what is. Right now. It's awesome. She has made me a mother, forever. That's as real and solid as it gets as far as I'm concerned. Thank You, sweet girl. P.S. she's a heartstring prodigy, you should hear the way she strums!

Relationshipping and receiving.

There's this idea I've been toying with in my mind for a while. I work on it when I'm quiet. A project to honor everyone in my life. Thinking about this blog and how to share who I am and the only thing I am is my relationships with each person I come across. I feel like it would be a clear description of who I am if I just define all those relationships in black and white. It'll be pretty one sided at first, but maybe I'll get some comments from them and we'll see who I am to them too... Maybe. But the point would be to get it out there. Often we wait until someone is gone to tell who they were to us and what they meant to our lives. This way, anyone in my life can go on there and read and know that to even just one person they were really special and seen and heard. This, beautiful, afternoon I happened upon some friends in a coffee shop and spoke this idea out loud. So now it's got to happen. I said it and the first step in integrity is meaning what I say and saying what I mean. Originally it was to be 365 people, one everyday, but I know that would be too intense to really feel each one and let it ruminate. So, I'll start when I start and not look back and we'll see how many people are in this heart of mine...

long time, no type...

Thirteen days and you might think I'd have some incredible stories to type. Well, let's see what I can recall of this missing week... Benny started his assignment in Tarzana (arting their new Whole Foods) and we were planning on missing him for almost a week, but it just didn't last... we packed up and headed south this weekend. Chloe and I went out to Palmdale to visit grandpa Garry. By an amusing and confusing turn of events, his electricity was out for the whole weekend, so we lit every candle in the place, made an amazing grilled salmon dinner on the barbecue and played Trivial Pursuit by candlelight. It was like the classiest camp out ever. Then, Sunday, we set out to find Benny. We found him smiling (I'm glad to type) because he was, as he quotes, "kicking it's ass". We got a personal, Benniful, tour of the place and the arts and then headed over to his hotel room. We leisurely did laundry and sat with our feet dangling in the pool till it was done. We spent the day touring L.A. like a couple of lost, out-of-towners. Yesterday Chloe and I went down to Long Beach and lunched with Grandma Deb. During this sweet little side trip I took the van in to get three things checked out and at the end they came in and said "Karen?" (this being the girl I bought the van from) and I said "yes?" and they said "it's free of charge" and upon happily sharing this information with Ben, he said "nice job, Karen". I will have to send her a little thank you note for being such a loyal customer. What else? Last week my bosses vacationed and left the office in my care. Yes, mine. I know. It felt really great to know that I am at the point with this now-not-so-new job that they know they can trust me. I had a great work week and with the extra hours, a great work week check to take with me next week on our huge Welcome-baby-Esau adventure. Chloe and I are home now, her napping and me typing (as usual) and all is well in our world. We'll be home for about three more days till we leave on that ten day trip, so if I don't type till then, see you in May!

on point.

Something, I realized, that my job provides, is a feeling of on-pointedness... I can't believe that wasn't underlined in red, but there it is... on-pointedness. When spending days at a desk, keeping everything filed and in order, checking things off lists and calling everyone back, following up and shutting off at the end of the day, I come home feeling really precise. All I's are dotted and T's are crossed. Imagine holding a stack of papers and getting them in order and tapping them on the table so they're all neatly in line and then putting them in a file folder and filing it in proper order. That's what I'm talking about. This is not for everyone, I know. But to give you a glimpse into why this particular lameness attracts me so, when my sister and I were little we used to spend hours at a time playing "office". We would write each other "slips" and "receipts" and memos. We typed some and highlighted a lot. It was very important to us. My sister is now an accounts payable clerk and my mom, grandma and probably countless other ladies in our family also keep books and general administrative things. It's in our blood. Speaking of which: next week is Administrative Professionals Week. We like lilies.

This day, so far...

is mostly about reflection and projection. The right now and here is so still and content that it is easy for the past to catch up and the future to come forward... It all looks well and good. At these times, on these sorts of days, the only thing I can think of... to do better, or more of.... is to focus on being a better friend to my friends and wife to my love and mother to my daughter and daughter to my mother and sister to my sister... and so on and so forth... So, that means to log off and tune in. To those people close to me. I am going to spend some quiet time today thinking about you and my relationship with you and love of it all. More to come...

twos day

zoos day. Today, Chloe, my mom and Mike, Charlie and I went to the zoo. We walked all over that place. Exhibiting mammalian behavior for the spectators. We even ate zoo food. Spent, we left around one and dropped off one by one till all that was left was my mom and I. We each drank a much deserved cold beer and smiled at each other for a moment, till it was off and waking up and picking up all over again. We finished off the fun filled family fest with dinner at the Enterprise Fish place that is one of our new found favorites. Then we walked ourselves all over State street and finally found ourselves somewhere I have been dying to find myself... Anderson's. It's this tiny tea house with fresh creme puffs in the window everyday. We went and sat and deserted ourselves properly. So sweet. Then, on the way to drop them off, we looked for homes for sale along the way and talked and dreamt of them living a block or two away... someday.

springing...

Spring has sprung...

 The Music We Are 

Did you hear that winter’s over? The basil
and the carnations cannot control their

laughter. The nightingale, back from his
wandering, has been made singing master

over the birds. The trees reach out their
congratulations. The soul goes dancing

through the king’s doorway. Anemones blush
because they have seen the rose naked.

Spring, the only fair judge, walks in the
courtroom, and several December thieves steal

away, Last year’s miracles will soon be
forgotten. New creatures whirl in from non-

existence, galaxies scattered around their
feet. Have you met them? Do you hear the

bud of Jesus crooning in the cradle? A single
narcissus flower has been appointed Inspector

of Kingdoms. A feast is set. Listen: the
wind is pouring wine! Love used to hide

inside images: no more! The orchard hangs
out its lanterns. The dead come stumbling by

in shrouds. Nothing can stay bound or be
imprisoned. You say, “End this poem here,

and wait for what’s next.” I will. Poems
are rough notations for the music we are.

-RUMI

sat... er... day

These weekend days usually see Benny off on his bicycle before we even get the fairy poop out of the corners of our sleepy eyes. He likes to go garage sailing early weekend mornings. This is the only sport which he admits was far better in Long Beach, actually the only thing at all that he admits was better in Long Beach. Chloe and I are up to our usual antics also... namely, latte sipping and caillou watching while I clean stuff. It's really so exciting that I am having trouble capturing it all here. Tonight I have called a ladies night. Our dear, Über creative, friend Jennifer is having a concert in her dreamy barn. I've got two of my very favorites coming with me and I will submit a full report tomorrow or when the dreamy fog lifts...

two days in a row...

what's the occasion? Wednesday has not been well represented here as of late. So, here's what Wednesdays are mostly about. The mornings are similar to the Mondays and the Tuesdays, but then, something different happens... Ben comes home early these days and plays with our girl which leaves me... well, to me. Sometimes I take myself out and show me a good time. Sometimes I hang out and watch them play as my heart nearly bursts with joy of their union and pride for our unit. Today... I did laundry.

MC Weekly

Loving life is a full time job. Since last weeks post I had two really enjoyable days at work (I know, amazing, but true) then we went to "Grandpa Gares" (Bens dads out in Palmdale) for the weekend. We headed up there Friday and headed back Sunday. It is like staying at a five star resort. During the relaxing, lovely weekend I got to devour a book a friend from work lent me. The Middle Place is an amazing novel written by a lady who I never met, but feel so kin to. It will make you smile, laugh and cry out loud and pick up your children and husband and kiss them for what they think is no reason, but because actually you are imagining your life without them and theirs without you. I literally could not set it down (I took it to the bathroom with me) until it was finished and even then I just wished there were more. So, we're back home now. Yesterday was a wild goose chase trying to figure out a "fix it" ticket, but basically taking a walking tour of all of our local administrative buildings and workers. More of that planned for today actually. While on our tour we met a favioesque gypsy man, with long flowing locks and gold earrings, who gave me a book about finding the richness in your life. hmmmm.... more on that after the reading. So, today some planning is happening in my brain and that too will be expounded upon figuring it out. More to come! Happy Spring... it done sprung!

magical mystery tour

so, fried day of last week Chlover and I headed down to Long Beach after work... Saturday we showered Auntie Sarah with baby gifts and love... Sunday Chlo and I went on a hike at the nature center and then on a drive down memory lane. I showed her my elementary school and how I used to walk home, my old parks and the house I grew up in. She was just slightly impressed. That night we got to hang out with my friend Camille, which further enriched the memory lane trip. more on this...

Marching on...

only two days this time... maybe the blogging is all coming back to me... or maybe my girl is sleeping in this morning. Yesterday she woke and said "quite a dark we had to sleep".... I love her. Her word fiddling far exceeds my highest hopes. I can only hope now that it gets more flowery and fruity with age and that school (at some point) does not dampen it. I can not wait to play words with the older version of Chlover Bee! Today is Wednesday. It will mostly be about a surprise dental visit for me, as I can not seem to stay away from them for longer than a month or so... Dr. Rai... then, an hour at work later to catch up with the week there. I will sneak plenty of kisses in with Benny and Chloe and anyone else who may be asking for it. I will end this entry with a tale of yesterday: Tuesday, March 9th... Chloe and I got ready for our day and headed out to the van in our usual manor. Upon taking the drivers seat, my horn began to honk.... HONK!! not sporadic, just a continuous HOOOONNNNNKKKKK... I called Ben, who informed me that I would have to take it to the mechanic that fixed it last, the mechanic across town. This began our long, embarrassing journey through upset traffic and confused bystanders. It was truly a social experiment that took me through levels of embarrassment not felt since grade school. These levels should be visited more often, it would make for better people, and blog posts.

another Monday...

something about mondays makes me want to blog... I guess it's the slowness and longness of them. They are like molasses on a cold day. This one got a jolt of rejuvenation with a phone call from Andy (our dear friend) asking to take us to sushi. Chloe and I met Ben and Anders over at the sushi Teri house... sweet conversation with good friends and sushi rolls is always in order! now home, Chloe is taking everything out of the cupboard and saying "i'm making a cake, just a minute!" so, I had better get in there with some quickness. Thanks for keeping up!

So, it's March! already... yes, March 1st. Today I am thankful that there is not a "smell" feature on the internet, for I have learned the delicate art of caramelizing garlic. Caramel Garlic.

A dear, great friend of ours, Andy, made me a soapstone bowl for my birthday specifically intended to roast garlic. And roast garlic, I do.

Also, in todays news, the votes are in (from our immediate family) and Chloe Bee is named (again, by our immediate family only) the worlds most amazing and cutest kid.

Congratulations, Chloe.

Come again...

well, it's been a week and a day and felt like a year. again. Since we last cyber spaced together, Chloe and I did our big trip... which was just about perfect. We saw eleven relatives in 4 days... whew... and all of it was sweeter than peach pie. Also, I started a job... yes!... a JOB. After two, and almost one half, years I am a working lady once again. You are reading the typings of Dr. Dodero, the audiologists, new receptionist. I (sweetly) greet all patients and make them feel welcome... and they are. It makes my days and life in general feel really full and important. Not that being a mom all the time didn't, just that getting to be a mom feels so much sweeter when there are the times I get to be something else. The chance to be somewhere, if only twelve plus hours a week, that is super tidy and quiet and calm is therapeutic to the near drug state. So, the life of panty hose, paper clips and faxes has lured me back again and I am so grateful.

day to day

tomorrow we take off for a short trip. Chloe and I will load up, head to Long Beach, then the next day fly to Oakland. Saturday will have us driving to Redding with my sis and her belly full of baby. Back to Lafayette Sunday and LBC on Monday. Tuesday may be about lingering in the LBC for a day to see some folks and get some grandma time in. Then Tuesday will see us home. I will be back to this keyboard... bored.... maybe Wednesday. Till then... LOVE and buttercups to you and yours.

two great films last night...

are ruminating in my brain... the first was "brief interviews with hideous men", which introduced me to David Foster Wallace, who I now know was just brilliant and will find his novel, "infinite jest", today to take on my trip tomorrow. The second was "the Virgin Suicides" (also so brilliant). Sophia Coppola wrote and directed this piece of art. Incredible. So, lot's of inspiration to pay with today and lot's to think about and daydream on.

Followers:

I just checked out the names and faces of the women following here and you should all know that you are amongst a few of the strongest, most brilliant others. Thanks for reading and caring and just being around...

Emilia

Raana J Brezenoff

heidib

Lorianne

and, my beautiful Sis. Love to you, amazings!

blessed.

I've been carrying this around in my heart for a week!

Nooks and Crannies...

Lurking in some deep, dark crevasses there are some things... lingering... that I don't share. That's pretty common, right? Pretty human. Petty... but, human. (stalling). After that period just there I typed a sentence ten different ways and deleted each and every one. It was, more or less, that lingering, lurking thing. This post will be really unsatisfying as the reader, but so therapeutic as the typist. Ideally, every human would have their feelings typed for me to read and resonate with and respond to... in my perfect world. It would ease up the guess work. Not sharing those things makes this semi-daily blog feel a bit disingenuous, but it's here... available in every ugly detail if anyones into it. I'd just like to look into someones eyes when I tell it. So, if you're a frequent reader and think my life seems so perfectly peachy and sunny... well, it mostly is. Also though, on those days in between, when there isn't a post, it would be a good guess to think i'm sharing those uglier things while looking into someones eyes. (fingers crossed)

To Valentine...

"Subtle degrees of domination and servitude are what you know of love.

But love is different.

it arrives complete... just there,

like the moon in the window.

Desire only that of which you have no hope.

Seek only that of which you have no clue.

Love is the sea of Not Being... and there, intellect drowns.

This is the shoreless sea; here, swimming ends always in drowning.

a million galaxies are a little scum on that shoreless sea." -RUMI

(thanks brother Sunny for bringing this to my table)

nesting...

another rainy day in our cozy nest...

Oh, cold and rainy day...

the third.

At almost a week since I last typed, there is surprisingly little to share... here. The weekend was mostly uneventful, with the exception of Sunday evening, which was one of the most fun I've had in a while. We went out to Ojai to see our siblings new space. It's sweet (like them). Then we ventured over to sister Britts wine bar. We stayed there several hours just sipping and nibbling and talking and enjoying everything. Breakfast at Tiffanys was on in the background, which seemed to add to the dreaminess. Arriving safely at home with a sleeping baby, Ben and I had a long awaited, much anticipated night together. We danced and laughed and loved and cracked each other up. Monday Chloe and I went down to LBC for the night to do some shower planning and see the folks before a trip they leave for on Friday. We got back yesterday and had another sweet night. Today was about the zoo. My little friend and I went and met some friends at the SB Zoo. They left about an hour later or so, but Chlover and I weren't quite ready to, so we stayed and wondered and explored. There were hardly any other people there, so when we were at the giraffes, we were the only humans. It was perfect. We did every gimmicky zoo thing. photos to come.

grateFULLness...

1. a house to love in...

2. a street to live on...
3. an amazing kid and husband to live with...
4. really cool parents to share life with...
5. amazing friends to celebrate it all!

one week later, but feels like a lifetime...

This past week was pretty epic. Last time I typed (last Thursday) was rainy and grey and we stayed in all day. Friday was mostly about cozy dryness too... but, Saturday was revolutionary. While Chloe slept, my mom picked me up around 9 am... we headed up the 154 and, with some time and $100 to kill, went to the Chumash Casino. Being that it was only the third time I ever gambled we set some limits. Just one hour and that hundred would be spent. no more. My mom, the master, immediately won another hundred, so we put the first back in her purse and now both had what we walked in with (which is the way to do it)... with the "play money" we went to some other machines and I started winning. It was this hooting owl game and at one point I was up to $740. Totally freaking out and slapping each other on the legs we continued playing. I lost some, but we managed to walk out of there with $600 that we didn't have when we walked in. We were both high on it all the way to San Lois Obispo. We were meeting all the Long Beach ladies and my sister at the Madonna Inn. Click on the name of it if you want to be amazed. That's the room we were in. After the first bottle of champagne, we checked in and ran around our crazy cool room. After a trip to the store and two more bottles of champagne, we found our way to dinner. The whole place is just a trip, so drunk or not, you feel that way. My mom, Sister Sarah, Nicol, Charlie, Kelly, Maria and I make up a pretty fun dinner table. We headed back to the room. Sarah, with six month pregnant belly and my mom went to bed. The rest of us went to the pool. So BEAUTIFUL! That was one of the highlights. We partied till the wee hours and eventually went to bed. My first night since conceiving that I was not next to my sleeping bee... but, it went better than I could have imagined. Ben said she slept through the night and didn't cry once. My little girl is grown. We got back to my house about noonish and picked her up for lunch time with grandma and mama. Then, the three of us headed down to the LBC. My grandma threw my uncle John and I a birthday dinner party at her house Sunday night. Chloe and I stayed at my moms and headed back on the train Monday. Tuesday I turned 31! I awoke to my lovely husband making me a hazelnut latte with little shavings of chocolate truffles on top. He knows the way to my heart. Chloe and I had a cozy day at home while I got little messages of love and well wishes every once in a while. It was super sweet. We met friends for drinks at the brewery around 4ish and went for sushi after. All in all, a really sweet birthday. Yesterday was mostly about coming down from the highs of the week leading up and ending with a trip to the dentist and coming home numb. It was an early night and early morning this morning. Now my girl is napping. I am all blogged up and my man will be home shortly, so, till next type. Peace in your general area;)

dearest reader,

yes, you, reading... how are you? I really would very much like to know (leave a comment) as this rainy, stormy grey cold has us cozied up for the week and I am feeling very disconnected. I haven't typed much only because there are so many feelings and emotions flying around and through me. Lot's of my heart has been in Haiti this past week. Then Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. day and the reflecting of our "society" and what it was and has become and still has to go (i'm afraid). The storm started Monday and has only for moments at a time let up since then. Long enough to get to the store or do laundry's about it. So, my tiny bee and I have been working on two major things: one... the potty, which is working out rather well when we are home or near a good restroom. two... weaning, and I am proud to say "my girl is weaned" done and done. Only, it has been two days of no booby now and I am totally engorged. Some my think it would be fun to have these huge, Jessica Rabbit, extras for a few days, and to those some, I assure you... it is not fun. So I am Ibuprofening and wineing and a little bit of whining, though not much for the discomfort I am in. It's all in a pretty clear perspective and I am feeling really lucky and proud, mostly. My man is home now, from a long night of painting out in the rainy night, so I'm going to go cozy him up too. Thanks for reading, reader. Love and comfort, MC Wifenstein

image is a "booby cake" I made for Chlover for her big step...

Today

just this.

my heart is in Haiti...

Tuesday morning around 9am in Port-au-prince, Haiti a magnitude 7 quake struck killing countless people and leaving an estimated 1/3 of the nation needing aid. We have been watching and listening, impotently, not able to do anything but send modest money, major love and prayers. If I had a way to instantly be there and walk the streets, hold or nurse the babies and console as many as possible... I would. We are only able to watch and weep and wish...

Self-consciousness

I wouldn't call it a preoccupation, but I certainly am aware (all the time, maybe to a fault) of even the smallest of my actions. Trying to anticipate reaction or effect. At least I'm open and honest about it. Here it is in front of you in writing. Maybe a bit narcissistic... perhaps... but, awareness (as far as I am concerned) can't be all bad. Consciousness in any form is better than it's alternative. The only time it ever gets in my way is when I want to say "YES" to an opportunity, but that nagging little voice starts up with the "but, what will they think?"... shhhh, little voice! While it would be nice to gently float through, unseen, ineffective, not making any waves... It would feel really good to make just one big, love-filled, tidal wave! Watch out!

another Monday...

it's still happening... though this particular Monday is particularly beautiful out. Hence, today was mostly about getting outside. Chloe and I, after cleaning and getting ready the house and ourselves, got the "bob" (stroller) and went out and about. I decided it was totally reasonable to walk to this park/playground we normally drive to... I know see why we normally drive there. It's definitely doable, but, It's now 4 something, we just got home, completely sweat soaked (me anyway) and we walked Monday away. Could be that the more I do it, the easier it gets (as with most things)... we will see. Heres what keeps me wanting to do these things...

12th night on the 15th night...

(this photo from last years 12th night)

last night was a hearty feast of reds and candlelight and friends. The annual twelfth night ceremonies and choosing of this years royal court. Duke was chosen as our king and Claire as our queen, with Abe as mayor in place of a royal advisor. There were children running and giggling, the old, the new and the unfamiliar friends. No matter where this event happens, each year, as we all gather, dressed in renaissance attire and manner, it feels the same as it always has. I imagine this is the way it felt back then, only without the occasional reminder of the times, in poem or in ringtone. A feast for the eyes, mind and hearty hearts. I love our community.