bye, 2009...we'll remember you fondly...

here's some best of's of 2009...

Happy Holiday!

Please ask someone close to hug you for me. Thanks.

blog 101

either a generic title for the post or a class in blogging... you be the judge. So, today is tuesday and tomorrow will be the trip down south for Christmas festivities. I will, most likely, be enjoying the company of my beautiful family too too much to be blogging about it while it's all happening, so, I want to take this last online opportunity to say Merriest, happiest, warmest, love filled holidays to you and yours. Wishing you and everyone the loveliest weekend, no matter how you spend it. It's yours! Hug each other and tell your mom you love her.

centimental

cent as in my hundredth post, mental as in cerebral. Wow. This time of year is always a little about reflection for me. From things as trivial as best songs of the year, to things like seeing how much my girl has grown. Reflections on who have been my nearest, dearest friends and intentions on being closer and dearer in the new year. Although it seems a bit cliche, I love the idea of a new years resolution... something that could use improvement in the coming new year... this year I am going to take this task very seriously. I'll let you know what I come up with...

Festiveness

Gingerbread is baking in my oven. I think the universe got my name in the gift exchange.

Seasons Greetings

Oh, the weather outside is frightful... if what frightens you is crisp, beautiful, cold sunshine! It's miraculous, actually. To walk around in the morning fog while a cup of hot beverage warms my hands and soul... Christmas songs on every station. People laughing in search of the perfect thing to say they love that person on their list... Heres something I wrote about it a couple of years ago... Happy Everything to Everyone!

Hiatus

With the exception of that one moment of awe while visiting my folks and being able to actually capture it in cyber space, I have been hibrinating a bit this cold season. While stirring all these perverbial pots, the blog pot got set on the back burner. I have been mentally blogging and wish that each of you could just plug in to my mental space and read all about it (I'm sure someone, somewhere is working on that technology). Chloë started going to school in the mornings two days a week and I use that time to run around totally crazy like a chicken with it's head cut off. I clean and launder and send out resumes and hunt for jobs so that when she's with me we can play and laugh like always... calmly... So, now she's napping and I am breathing deeply and easily. Life is super sweet and christmas is in the air here. I love, love, love this time of year.

inspiration...

ever have that feeling like life just isn't interesting... well, it's rubish. Somewhere, some part of life is being interesting every moment. And, actually, even if there weren't something amazingly cool happening each moment, which there is, just the incredible mix of all the miscellaneous is interesting. Variety... here's a slice of spice... enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uad17d5hR5s

amazed...

continually, ever amazed... I once had this growth in my uterus. I got it checked out by doctors. One day it caused me a lot of pain, but only for a few hours.... Now, it is a beautiful lady baby that knows her ABC's. She runs around and dances and has a sense of humor totally her own. She came here with it. I am at once totally in love and in awe of this little human. Chloe, next time I will definitely sing with you!

gratefuling...

1. my sweet, sweet man friend, Benzo.

2. my girl faced baby friend, Clover.

3. breath.

4. I'm here.

5. It's now.

Happy Benday!

The man of my dreams... The love of my life... The maker of the seeds that grew into the world in which I now live and love and learn. It's Benny's birthday. What better day to reflect on the kind of guy he is and has been? To Chloë and I, he is our most supportive pillar. He holds us up and protects us and keeps us warm, fed and clothed. He is also so f'ing funny. One of my two best friends... Benny wouldn't want to be blogged about, so I'll make it just short and sweet. He's so good. I am thankful to know him everyday. So, so glad he was born.

lull

there are ups, downs and then these long, straight, flat parts... coasting, cruising.... taking it all in. I will type more about this time once it's been fully processed. Thanks for coming.

yesterday, at the dentist

Thursday started out with the much dreaded trip to Chloes dentist... Things went pretty well and close to what was expected. It was really hard to see her so drugged and I hope it is a really long time, if ever, that I have to see it again. By about one in the afternoon she was pretty much back to normal Chloe Bean. My mom, "Grandma Deb", came up to be with us for the day and, because she didn't want to drive in traffic or the dark, stayed the night. She got a cozy hotel room across from an amazing Italian restaurant. We walked, shopped, dinned and slept. All in all, it was a bad day turned pretty darn sweet. Thanks Mom!

a week in photos...

Today is Wednesday, the first day in more than a week that Benny, Chloe and I are just Benny, Chloe and I. We will miss all the family fun times dearly... AND we will exhale, let the dustsettle and reflect. To bring any readers/viewers up to speed, enjoy a week in photos...

still thanking, three days later...

So, now it's Sunday and a lot has happened in the last 5 (or so) days. Since the last post, Ben's mom and her husband, Dave, came to town. We all went to Palmdale on Wednesday, then had our annual Thanksgiving feast on Thursday at Ben's Dads place. All so sweet and delicious. Turkey, pies, cornbread stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce... yes, please. The only not-so-sweet part was that Chloe and I got really, quite sick. Her first and then, inevitably, be from holding and smooching her little face so much. It's kind of irresistible to me. Anyway, that started at the beginning of last week and is just now fading out. coughy and coffee this morning. Anyway, here we are at Sunday, my crossword is here, we came home to a fresh apple pie (I love our neighbors) and I still have so much to be thankful for.

something I just realized...

Just learned something about the blog I thought I'd share. Those weeks where there are lulls... it's a lack of imagery... just no photos. That's the key. If I have a good photo to share I can blab on and on about it. No photos, no blabbing.. .. I am going to go take some photos. Type soon.

Grateful List

1. warmth

2. our cozy nest

3. my snuggly loves

4. cashmere

5. alpaca sox

Last night, we spent the night in Ojai...amazing party at our brother Canons place. Canon joined me at thirty. It's a fun place to be... so far, so good. So, great company, great food, conversation and dance. Followed by bitter cold. Down. Right. Freezing. I could not feel my toes till around ten this morning. This solidifies the fact that I would not make it in the east. I am a California native and could not stand a transplant. There's a joke there somewhere, but I'll leave it for you to find. Snow is lovely, I like to visit it, but going home from it, I have to type, is one of my favorite parts. Hence, the grateful list of warm things.

does the dental ever end?

Today started with me in the dental chair... two and a half hours and six hundred and eighty some dollars later and I was driving home... sad. I hate that money (or lack there of) has that effect on me. So, after that I was off selling things... Took an two strollers, a chair, a table and a really unique game table off to the consignment/antique place. Hopefully, I will get a call soon saying that these things sold for lots of money and I recoup some of my much needed, hardly earned monies. For now, I will post some photos of the interesting things... enjoy.

looking ahead a bit...

still Thursday. Yes, twice in one day. Chloe is sleeping, Benny is painting and I am finally just breathing, reading and blogging. Ahhh... This week has been filled with paperworkings. Too, too much filled out paper. "me no like it that one" as Chloe would say. Most of it was for the school... emergency contacts and things I don't like to spend much time thinking about. Some dental stuff, again... more and more. Applications, as part of her going to school will be my returning to work... at a job. Yes, I am looking for work. Seeking employment. Also, as if that weren't enough to set up for our near future, I am thinking about finishing up some classes and setting up some kind of real future with some sort of "career". There is an eight week dental assisting program offered near us. Eight Saturdays, all day. Seeing as how I have had just about every type of dental procedure done in my head, it seems like a good fit. That would certainly tide me over till I could finish up and focus on the Psychology pipe dream.

skip to Thursday...

Weeks have been moving fast lately... maybe because I've been squeezing so much into them. I am in the midst of getting Chloe into a really sweet preschool. I won't type which one, only because it seems unsafe to post where exactly I am going to be leaving my amazing, beautiful child for the day, but it's a really great one, close by, that offers enrichment classes ...more to come

oh, sweet weekend, I'm gonna sum you up!

Saturday we woke, got dressed and Chloe and I got dropped off at the train station just in time to jump on the train and head down to Long Beach. It was a really pleasant ride down this time, with friends we knew on the train and some new ones too. Mom and Mike picked us up and that night we went out to dinner at a really great italian place in Belmont Shore called Papaluccis. Chloe was so good, just sitting in her seat and eating noodles. Sunday was about hanging out with Grandma and Great Grandma. We shopped and lunched and walked. This is why the women of our culture are the storytellers, the passers on of the traditions and customs. We get together like this and just can't stop talking. It would drive the men crazy, so we go without them. I cherish these outings, this time I get to spend with my daughter, mother and grandmother... four generations... it fills me with gratitude and pride. That night it was take out Thai and Pay Per View. These nights are also fun. The only downfall of the weekend was a literal down fall. Chloe fell out of the bed in the middle of the night, causing a near heart attack in me and a small "ouchie" on her head. Monday was the train ride home, delayed and crowded, but fine and brought us back to our loving, warm little home. Papa was eager to greet us and we were so glad to see him. So, that's it weekend! That's you in a nutshell. Thanks for having us!

anniversary party

I last left you on Friday, the anniversary... That evening we went to a little gathering up on the mountain. It was sweet and heart felt.
There were tears in eyes and smiles about the future...
It was so good to see all our neighbors on the green mountain again.

a year ago today...

This day, a year ago, was a Thursday. It started with Ben doing his Thursday morning deliveries... Chloe and I waking up, cleaning the house and getting ready for the day. That's us, up there, that morning after Chloes bath, on the front porch.

The other photo is less than 24 hours later... the same porch. It was a sweet, peaceful day and the evening was nice. We had planned to go to a potluck over at a friends that evening. Ben was baking corn bread and feeding Chloe dinner in her high chair when I left. I grabbed my cell phone in one pocket and car keys in the other and left for frisbee. While babysitting at Oakleigh, around 5:45pm, we noticed a (then small looking) fire up at the tea gardens. I called Ben and asked him to bring Chloe and her diaper bag and come to where I was. The fire spread quickly and we evacuated from there. Never a chance to go back up, but we probably wouldn't have even if there was. Within an hour of leaving there we knew it was gone. We received this, slightly ironic, if not down right silly, reverse 911 call to evacuate around 8pm... anyway, It's a miracle that the only people hurt in that massive, insanely fast fire were the young couple, Lance and Carla Hoffman , who were pretty badly burned. My heart goes out to them today. They will never be able to fully recover and forget this fire. I also want to spend some time today thanking all of the people who helped us get through it. Our friends and family really came through and we were and are still continuously amazed by all the love and support we have. Thank you friends, thank you family, thank you universe!

getting back to grateful... again

Five, out of endless, things to be grateful for:

1. modern dentistry

2. the means to get ourselves and our child what we need when we need it

3. brothers from other mothers

4. sisters from other misters

5. amazing truths and insights given and heard at just the right moment

phew...

This week happened faster than I could say "uncle"... Come with me as I take a few steps back. Last Friday, as I typed before, Uncle Tony came for a super sweet, several day visit. He left Monday day, Ben worked that night, then Tuesday came and POW... another uncle visit. This time it was Uncle Johnny. His visit was also several days and super sweet. The super sweetness of both was in the fact that it did not feel like we had a visitor, just totally normal life happening as it would were it just us. They are family to us, comfortable, easy. I didn't feel the need to be constantly sweeping up Chloe bits from around their feet or putting out the "guest only" things (which was great because we don't have any "guest only" things). Our brothers from other mothers. So, Uncle John took off today, leaving a bowl of his incredible buffalo chili for me to gobble for dinner. Thanks Juan!

(that's an old photo up there, hence the small baby head, but one with both of said uncles)

Slow sunday...

Today has been about helping out and hanging out with good friends, as most sundays are. This one began with Uncle Tony and Chloe, Ben and I laughing, eating, sipping lattes. Tony, Chloe and I decided to go visit a friend building an Earth Dome in our old neighborhood. These would be our ideal living situation if given our choice. Upon deciding to go visit Andy and getting in the car, I received a call from a friend in need... She needed some babysitting help, fast! She explained that a friend had dropped a motorcycle and needed to be picked up about an hour away. His girls were there too, so it was actually (counting Chloe) SIX girls (12, 10, 9, 4, 4, and 2) yeah. Turns out, though, that these particular girls are six of the most well behaved of the species. We played, we snacked, we trampolined.

Juxtapose, I suppose...

Sweet and Sour. Friday was more of the toothing worry. At friday morning lady breakfast, however, Fate sat a pediatric dentist right down at the table next to us. He introduced himself and answered all my questions. What are the odds? Pretty high if you realize that the universe loves and supports you. He made me feel a little better about the whole thing, but not enough to stop me from researching more hours of my life away. Anyway, Friday ended sweet enough with a dinner of friends up the hill. Complete with a slumber party with Uncle Tony...

(photo from over a few months ago)

dental DAMN!

The last several days have been, pretty much, spent inside Chloes mouth cavity. The prognosis: ECC - Early Childhood Caries... A.K.A. Bottle Rot... gross. Even though she's never used a bottle, other than for fun. I've been reading a lot about it and wishing a lot that I would have read the lot about it a lot sooner. There are/were things I could/should have done differently if I had known. Starting in the second trimester of her gestation I could have had more Calcium and Vitamin D. I could have given the Fluoride when it was prescribed. I could have taken her to see a dentist at the first sign of a tooth, instead of waiting till she had a full set. The important thing though, instead of blaming myself and wondering what should have happened is figuring out what to do now. The good news, I got just today, is that we can prevent this from happening to her adult teeth. I was concerned that this meant she would have problems her whole life, but I think we can take measures now to insure she's got a good start with those guys. The good, the bad, the gnarly. Things are going to get good in there. She has to be put all the way under for the procedure, which will be harder on us than her. We are going to do whatever it takes though to make it right. Poor baby teeth.

Dentisting

All the sweetness of Chloe's little life so far has, apparently, been building up in her back molars. Her first dental exam did not go as hoped. It started out decent enough. Reading books and playing with the toys in the lobby. When they called us in, though, and we walked down the hall... she caught on really fast. She went stiff and would not move her legs. The crying, basically, did not stop until we left the building, after being told that she probably has a cavity in a back molar and being referred to another dentist that specializes in toddler teeth. We headed straight over to that office to set up her next appointment, which is tomorrow. So, more of this to post on then, only not as negative (there I go hoping again). After that whole experience, we went for a quick little lady and baby day at the foggy, but not too cold beach. Foggy is actually my favorite ocean day atmosphere. Very Lemony Snickets.

"no."

a lot of this today. It's monday. A new week and new ways of figuring out the beautiful and trying mind of a two year old. Notice the arm crossing and claws on the boots. She's got a bit of bear in her, that one. Today was mostly about testing limits: how many banana chips in the mouth, how long can I whine before mommy gives in, how many times (in a row) can we watch Dr. Seuss video before we go insane? The answer to that last one is three.

Oh my...

It's, suddenly, November. I just noticed it. Also, falling back, the time changed this morning. Lighter earlier and darker sooner... Funny phenomenon. Seems like a good time, albeit an hour earlier, to be grateful for some things. Five things:

1. Daylight Savings

2. this cinnamony season

3. getting to see my Mom and Mike so often

4. chocolateirs

5. our fun, quirky friends

sweet toothing...

We packed this weekend like sugar in a molar. Friday, after morning lady breakfast, my folks rolled into town. Chloe and I picked my mom up and went straight to the store to buy things for pies. We baked two pumpkin pies and one extra little pie filling with no crust (to snack)... Mom went to pick up Mike (step Dad, but Dad all the same) and came to our place as the pies cooled. Late afternoon and Benny and Chloe were suiting up for a costume contest and parade at his work. We went, we saw, we cleaned house! Benny and Chloe took first place with a 1960's Japanish style thriller.... he was a giant robot and she was a little dinosaur attacking him. We went from there to Harry's, an old timey steakhouse complete with velvet wallpaper and black and white photos of the area a hundred years ago. From there, we took the pies and whipping cream to our dear friends for a pumpkin carving party. All the nearest and dearest with babies were there and cheery. Sweet dreams. Saturday met us with sunny crispness. Chloe, Grandma, Grandpa and I found a pumpkin patch first thing. We were the only ones there which meant we got to all get in the bouncy castle together... what better way to start Halloween? We had a great lunch at the harbor, where we saw a Michael Jackson figure dangling a fake baby out of a window across the way (you, hopefully, don't see that everyday)... then it was State street to see all the little fairies and monsters and tiny things trick-or-treating at every store. There was excitement blowing around in the breeze (along with candy wrappers). Friends met at our place in the evening to take our small ones trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. I'm counting five candies in her bag (counting the empty wrappers), so we didn't get very far. My folks, then, offered to watch Chloe while Benny and I went to a costume party. This was our second date in two years. We felt giggly and giddy when we dropped her off. We played and danced and laughed our selves silly... To commemorate our fifth year knowing eachother (we met Halloween 2004) I went as a nerd. We kissed more than any usual night. After picking up a sleepy Chloebear, we headed home late, happy and full of high fructose corn substances.

well being.

The past few days I have been filled with an overwhelming sense of wellness. Big, deep breaths are coming really easily. No itches, bruises or aches to type of. My little family unit is healthy, well fed and vibrant. Full of love and possibility. All my loved ones around seem good and ducks are in rows. Our pockets are pleasantly padded and cupboards and shelves, stocked. What's next? So, along with this sense of total caught-upedness.... comes, also, a feeling of just being done. Maybe it's just a way of the mind to create a project. It can't just rest assured with nothing to work on. Though, last night, instead of typing out all these feelings, I laid in bed, stared up at the moon and just felt them.

Blustery

That's the best word to describe these past few days. Also, it's just fun to say... Blustery. On these cold, windy mornings the very best thing for us to do is bake something in the oven. So, friends, expect some baked goodness this holiday season. If you are not yet the kind of friend whom I have the address of, send it to me and maybe receive something baked to start our friendship off right.

gratefulese

Today will mostly be about baking a cake for Andy. He doesn't know it's coming and there is no real reason for it, other than he's awesome. Butternut squash cake. Yes. You read it right. If you want a slice later, meet us up the mountain.

Five things that are wonderful

1. YOU.

2. Cold days with Hot ovens

3. Uncle Andy

4. Butternut squash season

5. Doing awesome things for awesome people when you can for no real reason

Dinosaur Jr.

All the alone time on Saturday left me craving some serious family time yesterday, so Ben and I bundled ourselves and tiny dinosaur (seen left) and headed out to a local pumpkin patch. Pumpkin patches are quintessentially fall. It's a concentrated mix of all things autumnal. The only thing missing was the cold. It was summer sun and caused a quick unbundling as soon as we got there. Dinosaur had to shed her bright green skins which, though she was sweating, she did not want to do. We wondered a corn maze, got some amazing kettle corn (which I just polished off), picked two beautiful pumpkins that we will carve as soon as sleepyhead wakes, and fed a goat some straw. All in all, a really great time. We will definitely be back before the pumpkins turn to christmas trees. So, to end family fun day, we went for bike ride in the evening and came home for a papa made supper. Salmon, rice and brussel sprouts! It doesn't look as exciting spelled out as it tasted in our mouths. Which brings us to this lovely Monday... Today met us with a bright shinning sun and bright shinning faces. Chloe and papa took a morning bike ride while I readied myself. Some laundry, car talk, walking and house cleaning and now I am planning to return the amazing dinner favor to my handsome husband. Sunshine squash soup for this sunshiny day.

a day off for mama

This chilly, autumnal morning Benny put Chloe in her new bike seat and headed out for a dewy morning ride. I jacketed her, kissed her sweet cheek, then his and off they rode. Left to my own devices, I did what any free wheeling lady would do... actually, I washed my van. Pretty exciting stuff. Van wash, gas fill, vacuum... the whole nine. I then decided to pick up some clothes from the house that I love, but alas, never wear. How I always end up with such great things I never wear, I may never know. The blessing in this happening is that there is a Buffalo Exchange in Ventura and, as any great clothing girl knows, Buffalo Exchange is nothing less than totally radical. Cool clothes and I headed down to Ojai to pick up sister Brittany and bring her and her cool, not worn, clothes too. We stopped at the Deer Lodge so she could smooch her other and we could fill our bellies with goodness. A delightful Hefeweizen and Buffalo Salad later and we were back on our (Buffalo Day) way. Ventura greeted us with tons and tons of other visitors. We then found out the hoopla was partially caused by an art show at the place we were headed. "Oh great!" I sarcastically thought, but it ended cool, as things generally do. We walked right in and up to the selling counter. I sold enough stuff for just under forty bucks store credit. This helped me to bring home two fall flavored dresses, a pair of shorts and an apron. A smooth, sunny drive home and a sweet greeting from my happy faced loves and now BumBee is sleeping, Papa, bike fixing and fiddling and Mama, blogging and appreciating. I will leave you now with five things that make life happy for me:

1. Clothing exchanges

2. Hefeweizen with lemon wedge

3. Buffalo things (stores and wings)

4. the me I get to be when I get to be just me

5. a day off from your regular day to day to make you realize just how sweet your day to day is.

gratefulist

Upon rereading that last entry, I realized I assumed a couple of things... The photo of journals was from the Tea Fire (almost one year ago) and it's relevance was that losing all those photo albums and journals was the catalyst for the feeling of temporariness and non-attachment. I had not wanted to write much after that. Let alone save anything or hold any material item so close to my heart. I kind of let that go and focused on the real... which is my beautiful, growing baby girl, husband, friends and family. Staying healthy and here in the present became my modus operandi. Gratefulness, my meme. I like it. I want to maintain it and also perfect the balance of letting in some of that material "stuff". Accepting that I am attached to some of these new things is hard. This will be a search for that balance. My little libra should help some...

Gratefulness: (including a few "things")

1. my blog not being irreversibly terminated

2. some things never change

3. the amber necklace and cubic zirconium ring that I, miraculously, had on that fateful night and am able to still stare at and love (photo above shows both)

4. some things always change

5. being able to see "the big picture" and know what really matters

technical disturbance

Last night, after a beautiful party full of beautiful friends, I got on this machine and typed some words of said beauty. After a long, heart felt post, complete with photos and a link to a friends non-profit organization, an error message appeared. Suddenly, the blog was no more. I tried a dozen times to log in to this site and the same error message popped up. I like to try, in life, to keep an upbeat, if not totally cheerful attitude. Where things are temporary and I am unattached. It turns out, however, that I am a little attached to some things. To our left, there, you'll see the bookshelf that held all my old journals. and underneath... my only sunshine! She makes me happy, when skies are grey...

What happened to Wednesday?

So, it's all-of-a-sudden Thursday. How did that happen? I mean, I vaguely remember a wednesday in there... yes, the farm, it's all coming back to me. Oh! So, Tuesday, after I last typed and the day went pretty blah blah... Chloe decided to go to sleep around 5 in the evening. I found out Where the Wild Things Are was playing at 7, so Benny got home and I tagged him in and left around 6ish. My first time to the Arlington Theatre. It is incredible. Perfect situation too. I got there early and was the first one there. The staff were giving me head nods like I was in the club... still not totally sure what that was about, but it might have been a sort of "you're going to be the first one, the only one in there right now and will get to see the magic all by yourself"...maybe. It's as if you are in the plaza of an old colonial era spanish town. Mission Revival style. Similar to the pirates of the Caribbean ride without the water, there are staircases and balconies actually built up on both sides. Windows that open and lampshades that light the walls. The ceiling is painted blue with stars. I just sat and stared all around me as if I really were visiting from a far away place. The first couple to come in after me reminded me I was at a theatre to see a film, or I might have actually tried to send a postcard home. Once the lights turned low and the crowd hushed a bit I got out the tiny mason jar of champagne left over from the night before that I snuck in my purse. Popcorn, champagne, and a good film. Thanks again universe! Wednesday was a farm day. It had been a while, with the rain last week and Chloe not coming with me the week before, that we had been there together and I broke the news that it will probably be our last for a while... It seemed like a good time for a change. It feels a bit like being out to sea and leaving shore and not seeing exactly where it is your going, but trusting that something good is out there.

gratefuling...

O.k. this is another photo from sunday, but it's only because there was way to much sweet, cuteness that day for one day... also, due to the fact that I have a huge stye in my right eye and Chloe and I got flu shots yesterday and are a bit yucky feeling... Needless to say, there haven't been a lot of Kodak moments. We did have some dear friends come by last night to drop of a napkin of ours and stayed for an impromptu dinner party complete with a bottle of champagne, which may have contributed to the yucky feeling in my brain this morning, but felt so great last night. So, only two run-on sentences into the post and I out myself to the bit of hangover. Anyway, this post is about gratefulness... I am determined... So, without further ado...

1. all the times in my life that I don't have a stye in my eye, every stye-free blink I've ever blinked

2. being able to go up and visit the place where our little home stood so sweet

3. new friends

4. old friends

5. pumpkin spiced anything