ooo, also, in this new year... how about some photos?

Here's some stuff thats happened since I typed a year and a half ago...

got silly as a family...

got a new ride...

happy as said family...

snow times...

snow times...

fell in love again and again...

sprinkled with some of this...

dressed up... and down...

festivaled....

live oaked....

san franciscoed....

picked fruits...

started kindergarten...

turned 4 and then 5!

more festivaling...

kissed papa...

tap tap... uh... is this thing on?

Hi. Are you still out there? WOW. It's been a really long time. . . over a year and a half. I started referring to this "blogging" thing as something I once did. Then today, I ran in to check the internet to see if there was something that was/is the opposite of misophonia, which is the intolerance of small sounds like the sound of someone chewing. We talk about this from time to time, as my mate... I wanna say "suffers" from this... it is a medical condition (come to find). So, I was curious about whether or not there was something on the other end of the spectrum, like a fetish for those sounds. I stumbled upon a really cool, well written blog about the condition and a few comments about the opposite. I love the world wide web! Every weird, extreme, obscure thing in the entire world and that rare moment when you type something into the search engine and it isn't there! This has become a sort of game for us. I love to try to think of the thing that has never been searched for. I love to imagine that somewhere, in googleland, when you type in the thing thats never been typed in... a small, geeky group with white lab coats goes "oh, ahhhhh!" and, for one brief moment, recognize you as the genius.

What? a new post?

Yeah, you read it. I've had a beer, I'm on vacation and I'm writing a post, so read it. Won't you? Today is, well, Tuesday. Let's see... so, the last post was March 3? I was so excited about Marching fourth that I just started living and living and not typing or writing... I suppose. Today is June 28th, it's a Tuesday, though it might as well be a Sunday because I am on vacation. I spent this day like it was a Sunday, cleaning house, listening to NPR, Ben and baby on bike far away (but not too far away). All is well and calm and, thanks be to me and my freedom, clean. There is nothing like the moment when it's all done and all the little piles are put away and I do one more walk through and all is in it's place, including me...exhale... ahhhh.....

And the award goes to...

Drumroll... Oh, thank you... Thank you... I just want to thank my friends and family. Ben, I couldn't have done it without you... My amazing daughter who teaches me, everyday, to slow down. Ahhh, my neighbors and friends for giving us an amazing place to root down. God in everything... That's nice. But most of all, I'd like to thank the actress that plays the roll of me everyday to the outside world... Without her, I'd just be.

Pâtisserie

Lifes a Beach... then you bake croissants.

standing at my kitchen sink, staring out the window...

Wondering what will happen in the future... dreaming, hoping... planning? But, not so much. I realize that I am just one of many centuries of women who have stood at their kitchen sink, staring out the window, wondering about the future. Then it comes to me that maybe one difference is that I know I am one of that group. I have the grand picture. I have seen myself standing at that window from somewhere out in the yard. From where I'm standing, it looks pretty peaceful.

adorable the explorable...

Lately my girl and I have been exploring... new parts of our neighborhood (well, new to us), new tastes and sounds and, maybe most fascinating, new parts of us, our relationships. Chloe and I are usually hanging out like homegirls. She is truly my best friend. I gave birth to my favorite friend. Ben and I too, we're doing the dance. Definitely in an upswing... we are supporting without thwarting. Having fun is a top priority. It's nice to remember (and be reminded) that we don't have it all figured out. Wouldn't it be boring if we did? This is the good work. Learning to be with each other while remaining so in ourselves. Remembering that Chloe is her own, individual too and not getting in her way too much while keeping her safe. Teaching things, but always open to learning her way too. She definitely came here with things to show me. I'm watching, sweetheart!

Where was I...

oh yeah... so, it was September... and since then... my girl turned 3, I got super comfortable riding with her on my bike (game changer), Halloween... what else... well, anyhow, this night finds me mostly just GRATEFUL (as per usual). Yesterday was the second year anniversary of the Tea Fire and we called an impromptu get together at our place, so impromptu (in fact) that hardly anyone showed, which made it super intimate and cozy. With all our sweet friends sitting around a fire in the yard, I snuck in to do the dishes and as I scrubbed each one I gave thanks. So grateful to have this fork to wash and the soap and the sink. Last night I got to sleep in a bed, our bed, and Chloe in hers. My family has a home right now, an amazingly sweet (and getting sweeter by the day) home. Our things are here, we have things. We are healthy and fed and have sweet friends in our yard... My heart is full to bursting! Fire and I have a better relationship this year. I respect it. It warms me. I tend it, it cooks my food. We have an understanding. For that I am eternally grateful.

Abundance.

Life feels so good and full right now. Love, beauty, joy, seasonal fruits, genuine friendship, helping, healing, singing, learning, giving, receiving, art, pure truth and magic... what else is there? Want some?

where did August go?

I was busy living the real life and couldn't capture any of it here. Which is great, I suppose. Also mixed with a little bit of not wanting to admit things going on in my heart and mind. I want to be honest. As honest and real as possible... on here and everywhere. So, I signed THIS pledge. and promise YOU that I will always type honestly and give credits where credits is due. Also, with a "New Nows Resolution"... I will type more often. To let an entire month go by unexpressed is just a bit unacceptable. Especially the month where Burningman and, thus, my 5 year anniversary went by... all beautifully and romantic like. Because it will take a while to type and I don't have that while right now, I will leave you with a teaser clue as to what it was all about... the Heat of Passion. 

Love.

just sweet, pure love... all day. Thought's of gentle, careful, kindness. Hearts handeled with kid gloves.

stuff and things...

Hello out there. It's me. The textual me. The representation of that Michelle lady in cyberspace. In this box on this screen where I can take all these words I have learned to think with over all these years and scramble them up and put them in funny combinations that maybe, perhaps, just might strike a familiar chord in you... light up some long forgotten journal entry in your heart. Hello. Thanks for reading, which allows me access to your insides. You should know that I love you. I will not judge or misconstrue... only love you and share. Let's play "add things to each other's worlds" (it's fun)... It goes like this: first, you think of someone, anyone, or pick a stranger, then you think of a cool way to touch their life in a beautiful, special, different sort of way (that's the tricky part), then you do it and keep it to yourself. I'll start... there. I loved you with all of my heart. Now, it's your turn.

something...

just a note (yes, at about one in the morning) to tell you where I'm at. My head is a swirly whirl of kind, caring gentleness and a little dust. Ghosts of christmass past dancing with the girl who's always in there. Everywhere. Lot's of Bonnie 'Prince' Billy in there these days... and nights. Right now, in fact, on in the background..."may it always be" Don't know if it's his crackly words that resonate so much as the longing in his voice. Tonight I'll fall asleep with love and profound peace in my heart. That much I know. Wishing you the same...

In my life...

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more 


-John Lennon

Free to change... and grateful!

So, as you can see by the date of that last post, this project has been just a bit of a roadblock. I love, love, love the relationships of this life of mine, and while I do feel that describing them, these people, is really what my heart is about, it isn't making me type. I need to type. The type that needs to type. So, without further ado... WoooHOOO... I'm typing, and it feels so good. I am grateful for brainstorms and ideas that hit so hard you have to get up out of bed at night to write them down before they leave you. Muses that are so seductive you are helpless against their song. Also, though, I am grateful that you can just stop when it isn't working anymore, do something different with equal fervor. I am officially in love with this life. A huge part of it, for me, is about making lists of everyone I care about, even lists of everyone I've ever known (have you ever tried to do this?), and thinking of all of them often and deeply. And while I'll still, once in a while, dedicate a day, a page, a post, to one or some of them, I will also, sometimes, to save my soul, just type.

My sister, Sarah

I was lucky enough to be born with a built-in best friend. Sarah is eighteen months and eighteen days older than me and has inspired me from birth. She made me want to get up and walk and talk and do all the things that she did when we were young. All the way up until about when we went to different schools (around 4th grade for me and junior high for her) I followed her around and was constantly referred to as "Sarahs little sister" (one of the greatest nicknames to be bestowed). Then we went in different directions and it wasn't until about 1995 that I moved over to her high school and was once again "Sarahs little sister" (and loved it). We were best friends again. We went to parties and shows together all the time and I will always remember that year as being one of the best in my life. She was the most amazing, beautiful set of contradictions... Punk rock head cheerleader who saw live bands and got straight A's. She went on to college and we both started our relationship roller coaster years. Though we are on different tracks, she still amazes me often. We have both, since, married and had a baby each. Having always being the one to look after all the littler kids, she is an excellent mother... She kind of always has been, though her baby boy is only three weeks old today. She is magical, whimsical, and loving. She writes the best letters a girl could hope to receive and she does it often and for no reason other than to show you she's thinking of you. She is a gift.

Esau Gibson Martinez

Esau was born May 4th, 2010 at 11:32 pm... weighing 8 pounds, 9.9 ounces. Big, healthy and amazing. My sister Sarah labored for almost two days. My mom, Chloe and I had plane tickets to go see her wednesday the fifth, but when we got the text on Monday that her water broke and she had been admitted, we hopped on the first plane out of Long Beach and got there to the hospital around 8pm that very night. She labored throughout the night and all the next day. We kept hope and kept seeing little signs he was getting closer... finally around 11pm Tuesday they said they were taking her in for a c-section. We waited with baited breath. Eventually, around 12:15 cinco de mayo Marty (his papa, her husband, my brother in law) came out and told us they were both being transported to another hospital and that we should go and get some sleep... The next morning we went to Oakland hospital where baby Esau was now in the NICU and my beautiful sister was in a recovery room. There had been swelling in Esaus head and brain and due to a cord crimp he had gone several minutes without oxygen. We hoped for the best and feared the worst. He stayed on a cooling table for three days to reduce swelling. He had been having little seizures ever since his dramatic entry to Earth. Sarah was amazing us by walking and talking and joking just hours after what the doctors called the most difficult c-section they had ever done. Finally, Sunday, mothers day May 9th... they began warming him. Monday they got him back to normal body temperature and gave him an MRI. They found 100% normal brain!!! Not a bit of damage of any kind. All the well wishes and prayers are working. Monday May 10th Sarah and Marty got to hold their big baby boy. They sat with him and stared at him the way mammals do when they are astounded that this miracle came from them. Tuesday, yesterday, we had to leave. My mom, Chloe and I gave kisses and cheers and said our tearful goodbyes leaving Sarah, Marty and baby Esau to their new life together. Esau is still in Neonatal Intensive Care. They are trying to figure out the seizures, but after this rough start he will more than likely be totally perfect and fine. Sarah got to change his diaper yesterday after we left and reminded all of us that it's the little things that matter most. Esau is now a week and a day old and so so loved.

Debbie B a.k.a. My Mom

So where are we in this project? Chloe made me a mother, Ben made me a wife, and now here we are at this lady... She made me. She gave me blood and oxygen and grew all my parts the way they are and my sister. She brought me and my sister up (by herself I might add) and instilled in us most of our virtues and values. We tested them and her quite a bit and the fact that she is now one of my favorite people to be around shows that we all passed those tests with flying colors. From my earliest memory till about six or so it was just my mom, sister and I. Just the girls, and I remember those days as golden. All giggles and fruity, running naked in sprinklers and arts and crafts. My mom did everything she possibly could to give us the childhood that dreams are made of. Fresh lemonade and homemade costumes. School projects and plays. Then she married Mike, who amazingly and graciously took us all in. He loved my mom, who was hot, so that part was easy, but my sister (8) and me (6 going on 13) is nothing short of saintly... more on this when I get to him. They then proceededd to show us what it looks like to live as a family. To grow up in a home where we ate at a dinner table every night and went on family vacations. My mom went totally out of her way to make every birthday and holiday special. She does this thing where she laughs complete christmas carols. If at any point in a conversation with her you say a line from a song she knows (and she knows every song) she will sing that song and not stop till she's gotten it completely out of her system. She knows and spells all words correctly. I mean ALL words. Try her. She's crafty, intelligent and a nice blend of cynical and silly. She knows most of my buttons and enjoys pushing them and I am grateful for it every time!

Benzo Benzington of Benzingham

As Chloe made me a mother, Ben has made me a wife. In fact, he made me a wife right off. First thing. We skipped the "boyfriend/girlfriend" bit and went straight away to lawfully wedded. Well... it started out not quite so lawfully, but we added that in. For a more detailed tale, read HERE. It is one of my favorite stories and one that I am most proud of. Ben is one of my clearest mirrors. He has taught me that nothing means anything except the meaning which I give it. He's been my personal tutor in my own behavior and human behavior in general. When we met, and married, I didn't yet know of his ART. His amazing, magical art. He quietly creates whimsical worlds worthy of lifetimes of wonder. I had no idea. Though, on our first date, Burningman 2005, we walked out to the temple (by which we would days later marry), sat down, he picked up a stick and drew a picture of me in the dust. It was exactly the me I wished he would see. The me he always sees is that me. At some point on that trip I was trying to explain myself about something or another and he said "I know you" and I believe he did. Instantly. My other half. My captain. My commitment to him is one of my best virtues and my love for him is so pure and abundant we had to create another vessel for it (Chloe). When I met Ben I just wanted to know him, to be close to him in any capacity. I would have settled for neighbor or friend, but to be wife and share this creation of ours, it's dreamy. He's nice to know. If you don't yet know him, I highly suggest you meet.

Chloë Bee

Seems fitting that I start this project with the person closest to me, both in proximity and heart. Mostly because of the fact that she grew inside my body and lived in, on and around me for the last several years. She is made of the love Ben and I had and have for each other. Pure love being. Ben and I, upon finding out she was growing in there, vowed to be her hosts and tour guides of this weird beautiful world. We would show her what we know and all that we've learned while here. What I hadn't fully expected was how much I would learn from her. She is an amazing teacher. She has taught me to slow down, way, way down. She's shown me things, things I've taken for granted all my life, through those brand new brown eyes. I didn't realize how much of her own personality, humor and knowing she would come here with. She was who she is from the first moment those cells divided. I'm sure of it. These past 30 months or so has been a lesson in being. Just being. She seems only concerned with what is. Right now. It's awesome. She has made me a mother, forever. That's as real and solid as it gets as far as I'm concerned. Thank You, sweet girl. P.S. she's a heartstring prodigy, you should hear the way she strums!